Very tight restriction out of nowhere!

I have had such major restriction the last few days and I'm not sure why.  I did return to work yesterday - perhaps unconsciously I was thinking about it and the stress increased my restriction.   Today all I could eat was a protein shake for lunch b/c when I tried to eat some pasta with tomato sauce I got majorly stuck and PB'd.  I'm noticing that many of you actually say that you throw up (sorry for the grossness) food when you PB.  I've never done that.  I just 'throw up' spit but never any food.  I wonder why.  Doesn't matter, really.  Just wonder why.
I'm really liking the pedometer in my iPod nano.  What I don't like, however, is that my new ipod won't play in my Bose speaker thing-y that I use for my other ipods.  I probably just need to download some updated software for my speaker system, but what a PITA (pain the the ass!).
I'm thinking some of my restriction may also be part of this underlying decision I need to make sometime in January about my personal future-deciding to either stay with the company and move to either Charlotte, NC, Burlington, NC, or some other place.  If I move, my husband loses his job.  If I stay, I lose mine.  If I move they will pay to relocate me but I will have to sell my house.  I don't think renting my house would be a great idea because I just don't know how well a renter would take care of my house.  I would, however, like to have something to come back to someday.  Its such a big and life changing decision.  Either way, our family is taking a paycut - either mine or my husbands.  But he could be a stay at home Dad and be a really great one!
Sigh - the stress I think is creating this restriction.  The restriction is definitely causing some weight loss.  I really want to lose these 5lbs and get into the 190's!  I got so hooked on chocolate things over Christmas that I think I gained maybe a lb.  Not bad, but I am actually sick of chocolate.   I'm also struggling to eat broccoli.  Its just too dense and causes me to get stuck.  I am doing much better eating the foods I need to be eating, however. So those steps are in the right direction.  I need to put my ipod to work and EXERCISE!  I know I do, why don't I just do it?  I need to figure out and plan in my day where I'm going to fit it in.  When I worked out consistently for about 2 years, I worked out during my lunch hour.  Clearly that worked for me, I need to just do that again! 

Running Podcasts

I bought myself a new ipod nano for christmas with the intent that since its smaller, I can use more easily and motivate myself to workout consistently.  Something I've come across on iTunes are the exercise and running coaching podcasts and downloads.  I downloaded couch to 5k - I've read about those on the lapband boards, but I didn't realize it was also a free podcast download.  There are 'couch to 8k' and 'couch to 10k' programs as well.  I downloaded the couch to 5k but I'm learning that while I like the concept, I am not motivated by the techno/rave/dance club music that goes along with it.  The concept is that the narrator, guides you, tells you when to run, when to walk, and the music's bpm (beats per min) match up with the running phases and the walking phases.  So upon further searching I found 2-3 with the same concept but with licensed music.  I like Serena Williams, Lance Armstrong and this one.  Nike+ has put them together which led me to this site.  Nike+active synchs my ipod (it has a built in pedometer) and the steps I've taken and records them daily.  The site is in beta form, so its not terribly user friendly, but I love the idea!  I wish it was more interactive.

Do any of you recommend any podcasts or downloads?

I've also downloaded some Suze Orman shows (free), some Kiplinger's podcasts (free) and some daily motivational podcasts for exercise motivation (also free).  There is a lot of cool FREE stuff out there!  After I listen to some - I'll share if I think they're worth your time or not!

I want to lose 16lbs by the time the John Mayer concert comes around in March.  I'm just choosing that as a goal date only because it would be a goal NSV for me to attend a concert and feel like I look good.  At least better than I have felt in the past.  I'd let loose more I think if I didn't feel self conscious about my gut hanging out there! LOL.   See it up there in the upper left hand corner?  69 days left.  Three months and 15lbs - I can do it if I get myself into gear and start running/strength training, right?  Is that too aggressive? 205 to 189 in 69 days?

Will we eat differently when we're at goal?

I spent yesterday running around the day just flew by!  I have so many plans for this week and I can already tell that I'm not going to get everything that I want done.  I did great eating yesterday because I was so busy.  I think left to my own devices, left at home, I'd eat more.  I do good with eating when I am working also - again because I am so busy.
Do you all think that once at goal, you will eat differently than you do today?  Why do I think that?  I guess I think that because I feel like I'm being really careful in what I eat in order to lose.  But if I truly think through it, even at goal there will be gains and then we will have to modify what we eat to go back down.  Also, at a lower weight the total number of calories required will be lower so I will likely eat exactly what I'm eating today just to maintain.  That means I will consume the same number of calories at goal to maintain that I consume today which allows me to lose at my current weight. Hmmmm.  I think I need to read some blogs of people who are at goal and figure out what they are eating compared to what they ate to lose. 
I'm ready to lose another 10 lbs and get into the 190's.  I need to get exercising to make that happen.  I also need to do better at consuming vegetables.  I've noticed I'm eating fewer salads and vegetables b/c I'm focusing on the protien and end up eating starches to go with them (pasta, rice, etc.).  I'm going to fix that.....

Birthday Limo ride!

Two of my best friends have Dec birthday days apart so we had a surprise limo ride for the two of them.  The coolest thing is that it snowed!  We NEVER get snow - its probably been over 2 years since we've even had a dusting - so we had to get a pic of us in the "snow"

We started out with brunch and mimosas, bought new shoes for the evening, then took a limo ride to a bunch of posh places.  One martini and appetizer per restaurant.   Ok, we did have aged Tequila at ONE mexican place....

 Here are the shoes I bought (my shoe is the one on the right)

I did well this time - meaning no hangover today - I've learned well that eating less means you must drink less so you're not feeling a hangover the next day.  We had such a fun time! 

I'm not terribly pleased with the pictures of me -  I did wear my size 14 jeans out which was awesome!  The poor pictures of me actually motivates me to not rest on the progress I've made so far and instead keep working at losing more.  It really is a very wonderful place to be and so different than ever before - to not feel depressed and just give up.  Instead of gaining - I'm just plateaued, that's all.  I feel like I really can be successful for once in my life and do this!  I know how to do it - I feel good about it - and to not be gaining weight and instead just sitting steady at one weight - I know that I can continue to progress!  I do LOVE this band.  Its the holidays and I'm NOT gaining weight!
  My restriction is really hot and cold these days.  Sometimes it is so tight I can barely eat anything - mushy or not.  Other times, I'm able to eat whatever whenever!  It is really wonderful to eat only half of what you have in front of you and feel content.  I am amazed really how much I used to eat before.  I really noticed it at brunch - I was only able to eat half of what was on my plate while everyone else could eat everything.  In the past (last year) I did just that - these days, I simply can't!  Is so great to be in that place - so for those of you who are considering the band or aren't banded yet - it really is very liberating and wonderful!
Today, hubby and I are wrapping presents for the kids - and going to lunch- just us.  I can't wait!  The kids are with my in-laws so we have a free day! woo hoo!  I just wish it was still snowing......

A new low - 204.5!

I've been sitting at 206 for a few weeks now and I'm happy that the scale has finally moved again.  Tight due to anxiety I'm feeling over trying to make the final decision to move or take severance with my job.  I'm being forced to make the decision sooner than I'd like - I need to decide by the end of this month - b/c one of the jobs and locations (of 2) I'm most interested in will post to the 'public' in January. 
Anyway - today I'm wearing a silk blouse that I've not worn in years b/c the mid-section and the boobs have always been way to tight to wear in public.   Its REALLY wonderful to have more options in my clothes.  I'm having to get really creative b/c I don't want to buy any new work clothes until I know for sure if I'm staying or going.    Today I'm going to take my team out to a really nice restaurant for lunch today for Christmas - so its really wonderful to be able to look nice in a beautiful new work blouse!
I'm getting stuck a lot more these last few days.  I'm a little embarassed to say that last night it began to happen and I needed to spit.  My 3 yr old saw an empty coffee cup on a table, handed it to me and said , "here, mom.  Spit in it"  in her tiny baby voice.  Oh my!

10 Favorite Things....

I'm not Oprah or anything, but I do love getting together with my 3 girlfriends at Christmas b/c we always gift each other with our 'favorite things' that we've discovered, re-discovered, or always rely on over time.  Its fun to try something new that you wouldn't normally buy.  So lets share what our favorite things are either in general or related to the band that help us and that others might 'discover' and try and possibly become their favorite things....  So here I go -
My Favorite Things:
1.  Gummy Omega 3 supplement.  They are SO much easier to stomach than pre-band fish oil capsules.  No fishy taste, they actually taste quite good!  I buy mine from Target at 5.99 per bottle.
2.  My iPod nano with the built-in pedometer, am/fm radio, and video camera.  This this is just the coolest!  I have no idea if I might ever use the video camera - but still - its the bomb!
3.  Premier Protein shakes from Costco.  They have 30g protein in only 160 cal, taste great and are much less expensive than the other brands.  I always have these on hand.
4.  Chiobani Greek yogurt.  I'm now addicted to Greek yogurt and just don't want regular yogurt anymore.  Its like yogurt taste, sour cream consistency.  I linked there to their site where you can get a free cup of yogurt by submitting your email address.  It tastes great, low sugar, and 12g protien. I also buy these at Costco so they're cheaper than regular grocery store.
5.  Christian Diorshow mascara.  Don't get the waterproof.  If you want awesome lashes, this stuff is hands down the best.  And I've tried a lot of them.  No wonder this stuff had a cult-like following - it simply works!
6.   Food Diary/blank mini-notebook from Barnes & Noble.  I keep this in my purse at all times, track my food, my weight, and my thoughts, restriction levels, my fill amounts and dates, as well as my weight goals.  I can make a quick grocery list, christmas list, or to just jot down a number.  Its prettier than a moleskin, has a strong magnetic closure and I love good quality pens and paper so it works for me! 
7.  Philosophy Purity facial cleanser & Philosophy Hope in a jar - My skin has changed in the last few years and is dryer and more sensitive.  I used to have combination/oily skin.  So this cleaser has helped me keep my skin balanced and the moisturizer keeps my skin well hydrated without being greasy.  It also smells good. I buy mine at Sephora with coupons or on Ebay.
8.  Williams & Sonoma marshmallows - Their marshmallows are really wonderful because they melt differently than regular marshmallows into a wonderful layer of froth-like creaminess on top of your hot chocloate.  I also love their hot chocolate - its shaved pieces of chocolate that you scoop and mix with hot milk.  Its REALLY cozy!  I buy an extra box after christmas because their Christmas food never sells out and it goes half price!
9.  Trader Joe's Simmer Sauces - Korma simmer sauce , Cacciatore simmer sauce, etc.  These are great for making with Chicken to make the chicken band friendly.  They run about $2.80 (cheap!) and I've never had one of their Simmer Sauces, that was not honestly VERY good and that I didn't have to doctor up and add anything to.  I've tried Williams Sonoma simmer saurces that are MUCH more expensive - like 4x as much - and they weren't as good.  I love Trader Joe's!
10.  I love Blogger - without it, I wouldn't have this blog and have met all of you amazing bloggers that I've learned so much from!  It makes it easy for me to have a blog (even though I wish I had 3 columns....maybe someday I'll be brave enough to change it)

NSV! Rings!

I haven't been able to take off my wedding rings in probably 3 years.  Seriously.  I couldn't get them off.  Last night I was fiddling with my ring on my right hand, and it slipped off.  It was very cold (which helps) and I must be dehydrated b/c I tried my engagement ring - and it with a little struggle, I got it off.  I then tried my wedding band - and I was able to get that off too!  I thought I'd have to wait for at least 180-190lb range to be able to get my rings off.  Now I'm going to give them a good cleaning!  It feels so strange to have my rings off - but great too!  I've been married 15yrs, so my hands have worn wedding rings for a while now!

I do have a major dent in my ring finger where my rings used to be.  Can you see it in the pic?  It doesn't show up too well in the pic, but its a definite dent in my ring finger!  I think I'm going to leave my rings off for a little bit so that the dent goes away - does anyone know how to help that go away faster or does it just take time?   I don't want to have my rings sized up in hopes they will fit like they should once I get the weight down.

I'm taking today off from work again today - I plan to wrap Christmas presents, clean the house really well - deep clean my bathrooms and the smudges off the baseboards around the house.  I dropped Busy Busy at the sitters so I'm alone and can get it done.  I'm going to make a really great dinner too!  I need to send out Christmas cards too!

My plan today is to work out on the treadmill for 45mins, and focus on eating vegetables today.  I'm doing well with the gummy vitamins and gummy Omega 3's daily.  If you all want to work in Omega 3 daily, gummies are much better than the fish oil capsules I used to take pre-band!  I wish I'd known about them pre-band!

Hope everyone has an awesome day!!  I'm 6.5 lbs away from 200, 7.5lbs away from 199 and breaking the onederland barrier!  Shout out to Gen - hope you made it to Onderland or hope you're there this weekend!!!  I can't wait to join you!

Staying home from work today

This is not a picture of our Christmas Tree.....if you look closely, I wanted to show you where my son's dog likes to sleep.  Here's a close-up.  He's a minature dachshund and I often sit down and accidentally squash him.  Silly dog.

This is my view from my couch right now.

I have 2 weeks vacation that I still haven't used.  I'm going to carry a week over into next year and then I'm going to take 5 days between now and the end of the year to finish some projects around the house.  Remember the kitchen cabinets I started?  Well, they're not finished and I need to do that b/c they're looking bad half done!  So today I have the ability to stay home and work from home.  I have a project deadline today and plan to knock it out while watching the TLC channel all day with no office interruptions!  I don't the opportunity to work from home very often b/c on most days I have conference calls or meetings that I must be present in the office to conduct.  So I just got done cleaning the kitchen and the living room - no more kid clutter - and I've lit some candles and turned on all the Christmas lights.  Its raining outside - which I love it when it rains - and I have a beautiful cup of Thanksgiving Blend Sbux coffee steaming beside me as I write this.  I'm looking out the window at 4 ducks who are just floating with their heads tucked into their wings while its pouring on their silly little heads!  Co-oh-zy!
I hopped on the scale today and this recent restriction has me down to 206 this morning.  I still cannot believe it!    Its such a wonderful place to be to not feel that sadness and frustration of the scale going the other way every holiday.  Its wonderful to wear clothes that fit - I wore size 14 Levi jeans last weekend!  I had a big sweater on top so the muffin top the tighter waist of size 14 jeans created didn't show.  LOL!  Yesterday, I did a great job getting the protein in,  but I accidentally ate the last few bites of chicken too quickly and PB'd into an empty water bottle the entire drive home.  OMG.  It was horrible. 
Working more protien in I feel so much more energy now than I did before.  I honestly couldn't understand how many of you exercise so consistently and INTENSELY on such little food.  I know I just had such low energy all I wanted to do was lay down and sleep.  Exercise was out of the question.  Now I'm  feeling more energy and I do believe its because of my concentration on protien.
I was watching my recording of Dr. Oz yesterday on cancer fighting foods.  I realized I really need to plan my diet much better.  I need to plan better and work more antioxident rich foods into my daily diet.  I plan to move to working in organic Greek yogurt with blueberries and raspberries for my mid-morning breakfast.  And adding broccoli and fish to my diet at least 4x per week.  I also want to figure out how to add in flax seed and quinona into my diet.  I really struggle with getting down brown rice because it is so dense - so I'm not sure how to work in the quinona grain so that I can eat it easily.  I'm experimenting with recipes now.  I'm sure EatOxygen can help me out with recipes.  Anyone else trying to fit in flax seed or quinona?

Need to motivate myself

With my stress level up - honestly its so strange how this band has become my stress barometer - my restriction is somewhat back.   I'm eating well, making the right choices, but I need to exercise more.  I need to get the scale going and its just not!
I must tell you that I've learned over time that when I'm stressed, I don't feel it mentally most of the time.  In fact, I'd gone to the doctor 2 years ago because I was feeling this chest pressure and chest pains that would come and go.  I honestly thought I may be having heart attack symptoms and was very worried about my cholesterol.  I've always had high cholesterol - since I started getting tested at 18.  I have familial hyperlipidemia - which is just hereditary high cholesterol.  No matter what I eat, my cholesterol will always be high.  Being overweight didn't help matters.  So I had a stress test and learned that my heart was perfectly normal.  I went on cholesterol medicine about the same time so I just couldn't understand what this chest pressure was.  The doctor suggested anxiety - which just didn't make sense to me.  I didn't 'feel' stressed or anxious about anything.  I wasn't worried or nervous, in fact I was pretty happy overall. 
Well, the more I paid attention, the more I realized that when I was around people that frustrated me, I would sometimes feel that chest pressure.  Or when I had a tough deadline approaching or when I had to do a presentation, something really big, I would begin to feel it.  Mentally, I knew things would be fine (or maybe I was just rationalizing like I always do) but I had this physical manifestation of something I honestly didn't realize I was 'stressing' about.   I began exercising which helped to alleviate that and I've not felt that same chest pressure in a very long time.
I'm telling you all this to share with you that now this band does that same thing.  I noticed this past weekend, that I was thinking about all the events of last week and I wanted to eat and 'feel' better by eating some comfort food.  Only problem is, I couldn't eat.  My band was too tight!  It occurred to me that I was turning to food for stress relief and not being able to eat made me feel of all things....I felt lonely.  Mentally, I was actually having a great weekend, but clearly I'm processing in the background the big decisions I need to make, hense some physical stress.  That physical stress is now a tight band.  I wanted warm things, mashed potatos, soup, gravy, pasta with cheese, all kinds of comfort foods.  Not being able to eat them made me realize that I didn't even recognize the pattern of my wanting comfort foods in order to soothe myself.  This band kept me from falling back into old patterns!  I still find myself wanting to eat comfort foods but I'm trying to find new ways to deal with my stresses.  This is another reason why I need to kick in and get to exercising again - for the stress relief!  The band is still tight, I actually felt sick the other night when Mr. Coconuts and I went out to dinner.  I felt a little disappointed that I couldn't eat more.  I wanted to fill myself with warm, good food.  Why?  Why couldn't I just enjoy the company, eat only a little bit, and be happy with that?  Turns out, I was very content with only eating a little bit.  The environment, the company, the time spent is just as good eating a big meal as the small meal my band was allowing me.  Plus I have 2 days worth of AWESOME leftovers for lunch.  I guess it was just such a big deal for me to be satisfied with less.  So the surprise of being tight - even sick almost - made me realize I needed to pay attention to my body and if this band is tight - I'm stressing about something and I need to take even better care of myself, cut myself some slack, and do something to de-stress!  This band really is a great thing!

Today was better and I'm 2lbs lighter

Thanks so much everyone for your kind and thoughtful comments.  Today was better than yesterday.  I spend the entire day and then some talking and talking and talking to everyone.  Ensuring they understand their choices and helping them to make some educated decisions.  We are just thankful that we have as much time as we do. 
Today, being much less stressed my band was more relaxed.  I'm really surprised the role that stress plays on this band.  Cara - there you have it - stress yourself out to the max and you'll get your restriction back!
Actually, you know I don't recommend it.  I did get on the scale this morning and am 2lbs lighter, so that's good.
Today, I tried on some favorite and the most expensive dress pants I own, I'd forgotten I had them.  They fit.  wooot!  I could wear them and the waistband isn't about to burst.  What a wonderful thing.  I was thinking today about how wonderful it is to not be hungry all the time and not be gaining weight.  I am so thankful!

I had to deliver the bad news today.....

I had to deliver to approx 240 people today that they will lose their jobs in 9-12 months.  I found out yesterday that we will be officially closing our office in 9-12 mos based on some complicated buy out timelines.  The good thing is they the severance pkgs are good and everyone will have the opportunity to move to other offices with a relocation pkg.  So that's good but its truly the end of an era for me.  I've been with the same company for 17 years now and have worked with many of the same people for almost that long.  I know that they will be ok - our company is very well prepared to offer exceptional packgages and support.  It was just so hard to look out at the faces of that many people whose lives are dependent on their jobs and deliver that news.  It was truly surreal.  I clearly remember thinking that all these people have trusted me for so long, and while I know they do not blame me personally, being their 'leader' and looking at their bewildered expressions touched my heart.  Just seeing a sea of that many faces of concern was a little overwhelming.  I successfully held it together and reassured them that we have 9-12 months still - which is a great thing.  I cried only once today when one of my very favorite male supervisors welled up in tears.  He's an amazingly strong guy but also is just a great person with a great heart.  I felt like I was breaking his - but he told me his tears were gratitude that he had set himself up financially to be able to handle losing his job.  He said he felt badly for others that he knew were not in a good financial situation. 
I told him I will make it my mission to ensure this gift of time is well used by all our employees and that I could even bring financial planners in to help educate employees so they can plan for this better.  I know better that he really is just going to miss everyone.
I have the option to take a severance at that time or relocate myself.  I don't know what I will do b/c I really don't want my husband to give up his job.  If we move it will have to be for at least 5 years or so to make it make sense financially.  I'm not sure how I feel about all of that but I am also fortunate to even have the choice.
Sooooo......yesterday - the stress and anxiety of simply having to deliver this information and processing it myself meant I could barely eat at all.  My band is so restricted I PBd on a protien shake today!  Its another effect of the band.  I want to eat to make myself feel better but I can't.  That's a good thing.  Stress used to make me overeat.  Now I don't have a choice - I can't eat.  So, like my husband said - "well the upside is that with all this stress - you'll lose some more weight!"  He's right!

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

We took the kids to "Christmastown" yesterday in Williamsburg.  What a beautiful setting they created.  Its the first year they were open for Christmas and I have to say they did a great job!  I was looking forward to the decorations and letting the kids see Santa.  We weren't disappointed!  The above pic was from a penguin exhibit.

This is the Entrepreneur and Busy Bee on the carousel.  He tried to not look like he was having too much fun on a "purple girly" horse.   The Entrepreneur loves nutcrackers - and all things German - so we bought him one in one of the German shops.  He doesn't know this but he was concieved (I know TMI)  in Germany when Mr. Coconuts and I visited there for two weeks one Summer.  Germany (Southern) was one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen on Earth.  It was like living in an epic Storybook.  Seriously.   He's placing it in a special place in the house as part of his Christmas decorations.

This is a picture of a single chandelier in the Festhaus.  They had all of "Germany" decorated like the North Pole, had Santa's workshop, all kinds of local vendors, mulled wine, cider, hot chocolate.  I was in COZY paradise!

And this is Busy Bee.  She's banging her head and rockin it out to a German Christmas carol.  *sigh* she gets it from me.......

On the eating front, I've gained 2 lbs, but for some reason I couldn't eat a whole lot yesterday.  I have to say it was wonderful to be able to put on any pair of size 16 jeans and they fit.  You know?  They FIT.  I didn't feel like I normally do around the holidays and think about all the weight I need to lose and things I need to not eat.  I ate very little and I felt really good, really positive about that.  Instead of the negative thinking my mind was filled with positive thoughts about myself and that this time it really is different.

I'm so happy to have this band!

I am thankful for my band!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  I am thankful for my band and thankful that I won't overeat today.  I am thanfkful that my family is healthy and warm today and I'm thankful that I am doing something about getting healthier everyday by losing weight.  I'm healthier than I was last Thanksgiving.  And I'm thankful to share this journey along with all of you!

Did a day of liquids improve restriction?

In a word:  Yes.  I do believe so, but I also don't know just how long it might last.  So Cara and I decided to a day of liquids yesterday.  We both have lost restiction and we wanted to experiment to see if a day of liquids improved things.  I do feel some improvement in restriction today, yes. 
Breakfast:  Starbux coffee
Snack: none
Lunch:  Salad with grilled chicken on top and could not finish it the salad, but finished the chicken.
Dinner:  4 potstickers and a 1/4 cup green beans.
Getting lunch down was slower than dinner - but that's normal for me.  I do feel like I am fuller on less - so I do feel some restriction - but its not like it was.  That's for sure.
I weighed myself yesterday and then again today - I did lose .5lb overnight.  I realize though, that could be anything - probably water retention. 
Cara?  how did you do?  Thanks so much for doing this with me.  Knowing you were doing it to made me get through yesterday - which wasn't really so bad after all.  I had moments where I wanted to eat something solid - but I knew I'd have to report it back to Cara so I didn't! 

What I want to know on other's blogs

When first reading everyone's wonderful blogs and reading all the boards out there - one of the things I really wanted to know and understand through everyone else's experiences was - as they went through the weight loss process, how much and what types of food were they eating (I still appreciate it when everyone details this from time to time to guage my eating) and what 'size' pants they were at certain weights.  I know we're all shaped differently and are different heights which makes all the difference in the world.  That's why I always tried to find someone at a similar height, age and build to sort of guage myself against.  So for anyone who is in search of the same info - I wanted to share my stats in this area:
Age:  40 (so weird to type that b/c I don't 'feel' 40)
Height: 5'4"
Build:  medium
Stats:  
At my highest weight, 236 = size 18W were snug - I was pushing it, size XL top, 40DD bra.  No hope fitting into a regular 18 (non-"W" Women's).  Felt a lot of my weight in my butt/hips and my waist.
At 220= size 18W were big/loose, size XL top, 40DD bra.  Regular 18 fit ok, size 16 - no way b/c too tight in the waist.  Felt the loss in my waist only.  Size 16 jeans - could button but muffin top made it unwearable in public.  Size 14 jean - couldn't even zip.
At 206= size 18W are to big to wear, size XL top, 40DD bra.  Regular 18 are almost too big, size 16 fits perfectly.  Felt loss in my waist mostly but also now my hips b/c the regular size 18 dress pants fall a little low and I have to keep pulling them up.  Size 16 Levi/Gap jeans - fit well in the waist, loose in the legs and hips - I prefer them a little tighter.  Size 14 - I can zip & button - but they are a little too tight in the stomach to wear in public.  I even notice a difference in my work out clothes - the pants are much looser in the butt and waist and the tops are more comfortable b/c they are more loose.  LOVE IT!  I still wear an XL, mainly b/c of my boobs which are still filling the 40DD cup.  I actually would really like my boobs to get smaller b/c I think I'd look thinner with smaller boobs. 
So what will 195 bring?  That's 10 lbs from here.  A size 14 maybe??

Liquids tomorrow

Ok, so Cara and possibly Dinnerland and I are going to try all liquids tomorrow in hopes of possibly bringing back some restriction.  We are weighing ourselves Monday a.m., we already know our restriction has decreased so we're going to try an experiment to see if this helps:  all liquid Monday.  We don't expect a weight loss overnight or anything - we're just looking for a difference in restrction on Tuesday and hopefully beyond. 
I did pretty good today - I ate earlier than normal in hopes of eliminating the evening eating I've seemed to start doing lately.  It did help me in that area tonight.  I had some vegetable soup I made the night before (a pre-planned idea to help me get more veggies in) for lunch, ate 2 cookies (eek), 3 potstickers for dinner, raisins/walnuts/almonds/choc chip trail mix for snack.  I've not done too badly.  I went to Target today, bought some Xmas presents, and bought myself a Gingerbread Skim Latte at the Starbucks.  I felt all Christmas-y and it just seemed like a cozy thing to do.  But put the breaks on the sleigh - Blech! - it was yucky!  And I love pretty much all things Sbux.  So, back to my regular grande coffee with cinnamon.  Much cheaper, fewer calories, and tastes much better.

How far along is everyone else in the Xmas shopping dept?  Any good deals out there I need to know about?  I got some great deals on toys at Target today.  They also do price matching with Toys R Us, Walmart, etc.  for anyone out there like me with kids!

Living in the moment

I find myself constantly living in the moments I'm working toward.  I don't live in the current moment. I think about my financial plan as I prepare to be severed from my job, I think about what I'm going to do when I finally lose this weight, I think about the kind of things I'm going to make when I have the time, I think about the trips we're going to take as a family when we get the time to organize them, I think about what I'm going to eat next week and what I need to take out of the freezer or shop for to make a great dinner tomorrow.  I was reading a Martha Bombeck article in the new Oprah magazine today that talked about living by and making decisions by your instincts.  Which I do a lot and its worked out well so far.  It also talks about the importance of appreciating the moment and paying attention so you are calm and can better listen to your inner voice that is your intuition. 
I realized that I'm so busy planning and multi-tasking all the time, I'm not doing a good job of living in the moment.  I never have enough time to sit still, I'm crazy busy all the time trying to keep this whole spinning, juggling, evolving work/family/life balance thing going.  There is rarely time to rest and appreciate.  I think Amy does a good job trying to express this and the importance of it.  From appreciating the body you have now and finding the things you like about it.   I think that's my hangup with Facebook.  I don't want to see my old friends or allow them to see pictures of me until I'm the person I envision myself as - and I've got much of that framed around what I weigh.  Living like you mean it.......right now.....not waiting until this or that happens.  I know the importance of doing that - but actually practicing it is another thing all together.    Sometimes I'm better at it than others.  I just need to re-align my focus - which includes slowing down and appreciating what I've got right now.  It also includes getting the great exercise habits I had going there for a while back on track.  Good thing tomorrow is a new day.....I feel optimistic that I'm going to make that happen and re-balance things again.  They're just out of whack b/c of my workload.  Time to re-prioritize and re-balance.

Losing restriction - how do you keep it longer?

I was able to eat normal at lunch today.  I had Mexican.  Gosh I love Mexican!  I had more than 2 cups of food.  At dinner, I met friends at a bar, had one drink and was able to eat a lot of bbq chicken nachos.  I'm  full - but I'm finding I really can eat much more than just 2 weeks ago.  Why is that?  I've not lost enough to justify that its fat loss around my organs/stomach itself.  I also have felt hunger pangs more often.  Its kind of scary to be able to 'over'eat again - much more than just a cup at a time.  I think I really need to restrict myself to lots of vegetables and protein.  Its so strange and it truly scares me.  I've also been able to eat salads (not complaining) its just the volume that scares me a little. 
Do I go on liquids for a day?  I absolutely do know that the earlier in the day I eat, it almost primes my stomach/band and enables me to eat more at a sitting as the day goes on.  If I wait to eat until 11 or 12, I'm more restricted at lunch and end up eating less.  Then if I skip an afternoon snack, and go longer without eating, the more restricted I am at dinner.  Then as soon as I start to eat, especially since I'm eating slower, I find that I can just keep going without getting terribly uncomfortable.  I never get stuck - I know that's a good thing and I'm thankful - but I don't really even get close to that place. 
I do know now why I dropped those 3lbs right away and got down to 206 - yep you guessed it!  I was PMSing for sure and now that (as Amy put it hilariously) I've paid a visit to the Lady Station - it explains everything.   Another note, I've got the Mirena IUD, and I'm not supposed to get my period but every 4 mos or so.  I now get it monthly - albeit very light and only for a day or so - perhaps its my eating (or lack of) that's triggered that. 

Guess what??? 206.5 today! Woot!

I couldn't believe it when I got on the scale today....OMG.  It may only be temporary, but how cool to see that on the scale!  I went to a concert with my sister tonight (All american rejects) and I knew I'd have to leave from work b/c I wouldn't have time to make it home first.  I went to pack jeans to change into after work and none were clean.  So I 'chanced' trying on my size 16 Levis from 4 years ago that were in the top of my closet shelf waiting to be worn again someday.......and they FIT!!  Even a little loose!  So for the heck of it I tried on my size 14 Levi's - guess what! - yeppers!  I could zip them and button them but they were much to tight to wear in public.  BUT I COULD BUTTON THEM!!!!!!

Why do people tag you in Facebook?

I hate having pictures of me tagged in facebook.  I don't use facebook, I login about once every six months.  I have nothing against it, I just don't have the time to keep up with it.  I do like that I've connected with some old friends from HS and all my aunts, uncles, and cousins.  I just don't like pictures of me and while I know they mean well, I just don't like it.  So I go in and untag myself often now.  Don't tag people in pictures unless you know for sure they don't care. 
Not sure if this is the same for all of you, but my gosh, I feel like I'm in HS again when I'm in there.  I get all insecure feeling when I see pics of myself.  Even my mom tagged me in a photo the WEEK I had surgery (actually she didn't know and it was 5 days afterwards) and I was at my heaviest of all times.  Understand my sisters and my mom are all of normal weight, so we when I'm next to them, I can't hide! LOL.  Anyway, what pain in the butt to have to check facebook so I can untag my pictures.
On the flip side, it motivates me to want to lose weight.  It makes me feel competitive in a bad sort of way.  I don't even like to admit that it makes me feel that way b/c I'm not shallow nor insecure.  Its got everything to do with my ex-boyfriends, friends from HS, and not wanting to look like I've totally let myself go, you know?  I want to look like I've got it all together - and not failed at being healthy and fit.  It also makes me glad to have this band and glad that I'm going down this path. 
I always think its interesting too the pictures that people choose to make their facebook profile picture.  Its like an insight into that person's mind's eye.  Its the best version of themselves.  Sometimes its people with their kids, some women I've seen have ridiculous pictures!  Here's mine:

Its me and my boyfriend.....I pretended I was Jennifer Aniston.  You know, the older woman.  Everyone knows how much I joke about me and JM being a future couple.  If you know me, you know how ridiculously appropriate this picture is.  It was an awesome day!  I don't think I look 'bad' - I think I look pretty good.  Heck, I was BEAMING.  And hey, my body is cut out of the shot!  That's some insight into my mind's eye!

3rd Row Tix and I didn't gain!

Today is a GREAT day!!  Not sure if all of you know of my affection for John Mayer - love him!- and my sister and my shared hobby to be groupies.  We do have a friendly competition going on how many good looking male celebs we can stalk meet and get our pictures taken with.  Just so you know, she's kicking my ass in that dept,  She's met Josh Groban, Michael Buble, Matchbox 20(Rob Thomas-swoon!), Maroon5, Duran Duran, Pete Wentz, Gavin Rossdale, and a lot of others.  She even got me the opportunity to meet John Mayer, get my picture with him, and it was AWESOME.  So, back to why its a great day:  I just pulled 3rd row tickets to his show in Charlottesville at UVA!!  And while I was doing that she pulled 14th row in Washington DC.  Both venues aren't very far - they're about the same distance from where I live - sowe decided to go to both!  We haev so much fun together when we go - we get to be 17 again.  We're going to have a blast!  We always do. 
The 2nd reason its a great day - I've eaten A LOT of chocolate and more calories than I should over the last 3 days.  I was convinced I'd gained weight for sure - hopped on the scale this a.m. and.......NO GAIN!!!!!!  I honestly cannot believe it!  This is exactly how the band help us - I've been overeating and eating some of the wrong things (chocolate) and carbs (mashed potatos, chicken and dumplings, cheese and crackers) and I've not gained.  In the past, I would have gained 5 lbs, given up on my efforts, and gained more.  That relentless cycle!  This time, my body was good to me, no gain and that had motivated me!  Motivated me to work out this weekend and EAT RIGHT! 
Oh, its a great day!!!

Thanks everyone!

Just wanted to say thanks to all of you who commented and wished me get well wishes and bad husband empathy!  He's still totally unaware, but not to worry girls, I'm a passive aggressive woman scorned professional - so trust me - HE KNOWS and will pay a price.....(evil laugh). LOL.   The ones we love the  most just frustrate us the most sometimes.   Thanks again though for all the comments - I've never felt so supported - you sort of came to my rescue - when I really just some sympathy and I really appreciate it.  Some of you who never commented on my blog before did just to try to make me feel a little better.  And it DID make me feel better!  I simply didn't expect to feel that much better.  It never really occurred to me -  that all of you - whom I've never actually seen or had a physical conversation with - could make me feel so........well...... validated and supported.  This blog is an amazing thing.  It makes me think of how amazing it is that women (and some men) are an amazingly supportive and fiercely loyal to each other - even when they don't really 'know' each other.  They see one person sinking and the group comes together without even blinking an eye to provide support and pull that other person back up again.  I'll bet none of you even thought of that - it was just natural for you.  I sure am glad I'm not a man!  How boring would that be?  You wouldn't be able to shave your armpits, can't have babies, and ewww, we'd have balls! Yuuck!  Hope Gen's Jacks&^t  doesn't see this......I'm sure guys would hate all the yucky stuff women have to deal with too.    I'm jus' sayin!  I'm glad that I'm a woman and that women for the most part have that instinctive ability to pull the fallen up.  Men just would step over them on their way to the electronics store......
Ok, on to other things. 
My weight is back to where I was 209, I'd gained like 4-5lbs of water after I got that steroid, that I lost like overnight.  My energy is back and I'm actually gearing up to exercise.  I need it for the stress relief, the mood bost, and the muscle toning!  I've been in a funk - just generally pissed off - because of all the stuff you already know about my boss, my impending job loss, and being sick just made it harder.  I decided today that I simply couldn't deal with more interruptions at work, so I took my laptop and went to a local coffee house to work.  Its raining like crazy here and I had just a bunch of misses at work that I was making bigger than they needed to be.  I up and decided that I was taking the rest of the day off, packed my computer up, and left to get my kids early from the sitter with a total attitude/funk.  I'm sure I'm pms'ing.  On my way, I decided to stop at Target to get some cookie dough to bake cookies for my kiddos.  On my way to the grocery section I was sucked in to the girl's dept and picked up a few things.  I was still feeling all sorry for myself and generally P'd - when I spotted a mom my age, with a 9-10 yr old boy in a wheelchair who clearly had physical and mental disabilities.  I realized just how STUPID and SELFISH I was being.  I think I have problems?  I'm all pissed off b/c of my job and feeling blue over trivial BS and here's this mom with so much more to deal with and a child with health issues.  What a smack in the face - and I needed it!
    

Diagnosis: Pneumonia

I finally went to the Dr yesterday b/c I simply couldn't take the shortness of breath and chest pains from the pressure of all this crap in my lungs.  Had x-rays done and left with prescriptions for a steroid, zpack (antibiotic), and an inhaler.  The inhaler gave me relief almost immediately.  Never ever used an inhaler before but it sure helped to open my lungs up and take that pain and pressure away.  The zpack is a great antibiotic that works in only 5 days!  Today is only the 2nd day of use and I already feel better.  I still have a fever and am sweating one hour and shaking from feeling so cold the next hour.  I've never felt like this before - had a splitting headache and stiff neck and neck pain all night and this morning.  When I do breathe in and out it sounds like rice crispies in my lungs.  Popping and wheezing. Yuck!  I'm glad I rarely get sick, I've certainly never had this before, and it sucks!  As the day goes on, I'm feeling better and better!
That brings me to another topic.  As sick as I am, and I promise you, I'm a pretty strong chick when it comes to pain or sickness or whatever.  I only tell you that to put into perspective that I'm not a complainer nor do I rely on my spouse to take of me, ever.  I remember being a little peeved each time I had a child - peeved at my husband b/c he never even seemed to blink an eye at what my body had just gone through.  As if it was not hard or taxing.  I guess I just was peeved b/c he never really 'took care of me' when I was clearly not feeling well and had a legitimate reason for it.  Fast forward to this morning.  I feel worse than I have in years and he's just not even AWARE.  I got a "how are you feeling?" as he passed through the living room into the kitchen.  I have bloodshot eyes, I'm holding my head, and look like someone who feels pretty darn sick.  He just does his little routine and off he goes to race and leave me with the kids all day by myself.  Keep in mind, my 3yr old is non-stop talking, wanting, asking, eating, drinking, playing.  Of course she is, she's 3.  She wears me out when I'm 100%.  I'm not looking forward to the day and he's gone from 9am until midnight tonight.  I guess I just wanted a little empathy, a neck rub?, a "do you need anything today?", or "I'm sorry I'm going to be gone all day, I know you're feeling pretty bad".  Instead he handled it by ignoring and not acknowledging how badly I was feeling.  Sometimes you just need a little empathy from your spouse, you know?  It made me really feel resentful and unappreciated. grrrrrrrr.  Its one of those underlying things that has always been there and will never go away.  Something I just have to accept but it rears its ugly head every once in while until I get over it.

Ok, enough about that.  So do you want to know what I'm going to get my sisters for Christmas?  I know its early, but if I don't start now, I'll never make it.  I'm going to get each of them personalized with their kid's names on them.    The pic below is from the seller's shop on etsy: cinnamonsticks

So I've decided I'm picking my own Christmas present this year and its going to be this, from here, I think: 

208.5 today - met goal

I set a mini goal to meet 208 by 11/6 and despspite that .5, I'm considering that goal attained.  My chest cold has come back b/c I stopped taking the horsepill antibiotics - like an idiot.  Having a cold means I cannot eat at all - I wonder why that is.  Yesterday, I kept trying to eat, but just couldn't.  I managed to get down some high protein greek yogurt, couldn't stomach any soup, and milk.  That was it.  My chest is just so weighed down, eating makes me feel ill.  I don't like not eating much - b/c I don't want to totally screw up my metabolism.  I'm going to be very careful to get the calories in today that I need.  And the vitamins too.
I'm dreaming about what it would be like to be in the 190's again.  I honestly can't even imagine or know what my body is going to feel like.  It was just before I got pg with my now 3yr old daughter that I weighed 199 for like 10 seconds.  I was working out everyday and working out 2 days with a personal trainer.  I was taking adipex, and appetite supressant and eating 1200 cals per day.  I was much tighter and smaller b/c of all the working out than I am now but I don't even remember what clothes I could wear.  I'd really love to be there by the end of December and I think I can do it.  My goal is to get these 8.5 lbs off by the first week in December.  I also need to start exercising.  Next goal - walking.  I'm not going to push myself hard.  I could run, but I just don't want to - so I'm making walking a simple goal that I can attain......

Losing restriction - ruh roh.

I was 218 on 10/12, I was 209.5 on 10/31.  That's a 9lb loss in 3 weeks - or about 3lbs per week.  I'm very happy with that.  The reason I'm writing this out is because it seems like it took a long time and I thought "well that kind of progress can't continue, my body just hasn't rejected the loss and figured out how its going to plateau yet." (wow, that's pretty negative -what I just wrote.  Am I working with my body as an ally or fighting against my body mentally and seeing my metabolism as an adversary? - thoughts to ponder later).
Only three weeks have gone by since my 2nd fill and it just seems like a long time since I got the fill.  This progress is really amazing!  I know I can't expect numbers like these but I've caught myself again writing out every 10 lb goal on paper and how long I think it will take me to get there.  Just so you know - if I lost steadily at 10lbs for every 4 weeks, I'd make my goal of 140 by my next birthday in June 2010.  In reading Cara's and Catherine's blogs - I can't help but dream about what it must feel like to have lost what they have and translate that to me and what I could look/feel like.
I measured my waist today and I'm surprised to know I'm 45 in at my waist sitting down, 41in at the same place standing up.  That explains a lot about why your pants feel tighter when you sit down.  For the rest of my measurements:  39in below my boobs, 14 3/4 upper arms, 11 1/2 forearms, 24 in thighs, 17in calves, 46.5 hips.  I measured my forearms b/c its a place I'm selfconscious about b/c I feel like I just have big forearms - wheras most women have very slim forearms and wrists, I do not. :) But I will! Someday!
After weighing consistently at 209 for 4 days, I hopped on the scale this a.m. and weighed 214.  What the heck?  I drank lots of milk and water yesterday - I was soooo thirsty.  I know that was part of it.  I also ate halloween chocolate over the weekend and have lost some restriction.  I'm curious what I will be tomorrow morning when I weigh myself.  210 I hope?
Today I had a coffee for bfast, ate grilled chicken and mashed potatos for lunch (2cups), ate grilled chicken, mashed potatos and green beans for dinner (2cups).  I had chocolate covered raisins around 4pm at my desk - a couple handfuls too many.  I ate a halloween-size mini twix bar after dinner.  Now, I'm eating raspberries.  Yep - the restriction is fleeting but I think I can control that by keeping myself from grazing through the day.  Its almost like once I start eating, the band or my stomach gets more and more relaxed and I can eat more.  Anyone else see that happening?  If I can hold off eating, I seem to do better with restriction later.  Its almost like, the more I graze with real food (not liquids), the more the band opens up.  I think I'm going to stick with some protein shakes tomorrow and soup for lunch so I can test my band at dinner and hopefully be more restricted for dinner.  I can't stall now!  I wore size 16 Gap jeans this weekend and need to progress further!  I've got to make it to 200 by Thanksgiving and now that's only 24 days away!

UGH.....Hangover!

O....M.....G.  I had a Halloween party at my house last night and we had an absolute BLAST!  Blowing off steam from a stressful workweek was just what I needed.  My house was just full of candles, pumpkins, black lights, scary masks, and witch hats!  The food was awesome - pounds of shrimp, hot wings, pasta salad, chips, dips, even chocolate spiders.  I made orange Monster martinis with candy bone finger stirrers - so cute! And everyone wore the coolest costumes.  We had a big wonderful fire in the fireplace on the deck and temps outside were perfect.   We played all kinds of music - all with "death" in the titles - remember OingoBoingo's song "Dead man's Party?"  It was fun........BUT.......oh the price of fun sometimes includes a hangover.  And fyi everyone:  the hangover is worse with a band - does everyone else already know this and forgot to tell me? 
Thank goodness I didn't *really* feel like I wanted to throw up because that would have been tortuous.  Seriously.  So soon to be bandsters - why is the hangover worse with a band - its probably not why you think.  The reason is that when you do not have restriction and you can eat WHILE you're drinking - you're better able to take it slow and pace yourself.  The food absorbs the alcohol effects.  You know how much you can drink and how much is too much - BUT - you know that amount based on drinking while EATing.  If you can't eat much - I only had like 2 shrimp and one hotwing - suddenly the VERY SAME amount you're used to drinking and being just a little *~happy~* turns into TOO MUCH.  Capice?  I woke up with a raging headache and since I'm very tight/restricted in the morning it was difficult to swallow 3 advil and attempt to rehydrate myself.  And it was difficult to eat something which always makes my personal hangovers better.  As soon as the Advil kicked in and I took a shower, I felt better. 
But wow - note to self:
1.  drink less than I used to be able to 
2.  drink lots of water before going to bed 
3.  take 3 advil before going to bed.
As soon as I get the pictures from my friend, I'll share them........oh what a night!
And one last thing - yesterday I was 210.5, and this morning I was 209.5!  That made my hungover face smile!

Upped the calories, 209.5 today!

The band is allowing me to eat a little more, which I'm pleased about, but not too much, which I'm also pleased about!  I needed to increase my calories and I've done so.  This morning when I hopped on the scale (after pee-ing away any water that would affect the scale of course!) it said 209.5!  I know its a fleeting moment - so we'll see what it says tomorrow - but how cool to see it in a new range, even if was only momentary! LOL.  I was glad to see the scale move a little bit.  My energy is up b/c those horsepill antibiotics have kicked my chest/head cold and b/c I'm eating more.  I can't wait to be in the 200-209 range for real!
Today was one of the most stressful days I've had work-wise in at least a few years.  I had to present on a conference call some data that was a pure and direct reflection on me to some very big players in the new company I'm now part of after the merger.  Some of them were domineering jerks, unfortunately, but since they couldn't dig much, the call overall went very well.  The worst part was worrying my systems would fail or that I would sound like a complete idiot.  I didn't but they continue to send people out to my office/center to investigate (read : dig until they find something) and that's just not a fun place to be.  Especially because, when you have a couple hundred people working for you indirectly through supervisors that DO work for you, you're relying on the leadership and skill of the sups to ensure that the entire group does not make gross errors or just perform to a lower standard when they're working with our customers.  One gross error or one human screw up or one person who honestly doesn't care and shouldn't be there anyway -  is what my entire team could be judged by.  Silly and unrealistic pressure, isn't it?  In any work team that big, there is going to be someone doesn't care or just screws up sometimes.  And with 18 supervisors - not every single one is going to be doing all they should be either.  Most of them are awesome but I do have two low performers who are just not the best sups and while what they don't do - isn't enough to justify a termination or move - they just do the bare minimum which is the perfect set up for a problem.  I guess, I'm rambling here b/c I feel frustrated over the unrealistic scrutiny and know that its impossible for us not to make a mistake.  I just dread the unrealistic expectation and find it frustrating that I no longer work for a company that is as supportive as I'm used to and is so much more cut throat.  Its just too bad, you know?  I'm also frustrated b/c while I've worked myself for some awesome leaders, the person I'm working for now is just NOT awesome.  In any way.  In fact, he's a narcissistic jerk.  It amazes me that people like that actually choose that for themselves.  I just don't get what they get out of it.  I was hoping working for him would be a temporary thing, but its going to be a little longer.  Its ok, I do a great job and so he has trouble finding issue with me personally.  Its just so...unnecessary.  I hate to see how he belittles other people and causes me stress b/c he won't help me out when I need it.  At least I have enough experience to know he's the minority and that karma is real.
Wow, sorry to bum you all out!  Not my intent, but at least I feel better! LOL.  I'm just glad that I can buffer him from the people that work for me - and they know how much of a jerk he is - so that not all of us have to be exposed to that ugliness.  I tell them that's what I get paid for and that they need to take notes so they don't make their employees feel the way he makes us feel.  Learn what NOT to do.
Ok, next subject!  I'm really happy with where my band is now.  I'm happy that its opened up a little bit to allow me to eat more - because I needed that.  But it still stops me from eating too much at this point.  And I'm not hungry much.  That, to me, is perfection!
I'm doing great with overall calories, protien, water, and vitamins.  Goal is to get better with the green veggies, antioxidants, omega-3's, and exercise.  Have you heard of chewable omega-3 supplements?  I got a coupon from costco and they advertised them.  Anyone ever tried these?  see below:

I was at Cheesecake Factory yesterday and had an AWESOME lunch!  I ordered the ahi tuna tartare and it was really amazing.  The tuna was a perfect solution to protien, it was cut up into small cubes and molded on top of diced avocado.  A little wasabi and soy sauce on top and it was just fantastic!  I highly recommend!  Good taste, high clean protein, healthy fat in the avocado.  It was perfection. :)  I need to remember to eat sashimi more often for the protien power.  While this isn't the best pic, it looked much better in person:

Still 211.5, stressful work week

I'm still eating very little but I believe my weight is stalled by the lack of calories.  Today is the first day that I was able to eat a real lunch - meaning whole food.  I ate two panko breaded fish pieces and some green beans.  I didn't make time to eat my protien shake for breakfast, and just now I've had some chicken and rice soup for dinner.  Its good that I'm able to eat more and I plan to continue to ensure I'm getting a nutritious 1200 calories in. 
I'm still at 211.5 and I know its because of the lack of calories.  I'm hoping eating more will help kick start some progress.
I'm also planning for a big Halloween dinner party at my house this Friday.  I've been so busy at work I've not had any time to plan food.  UGH.  I hate rushing - I like to enjoy the process.  Worst case, I'll order food from somewhere.  I'll post pics of it this weekend.  :)
Hope you all have a great day!

So where does the fat actually go when you lose weight?

I was thinking about this today as I was thinking about how I look forward to the mornings so I can hop on the scale and weigh myself.  I always pee first b/c it makes a big difference.  So where does the actual fat go?  I know that the fat cells are always there, and right now my fat cells are bloated with actual fat and as I lose weight they will shrink.  But where does the actual fat in my bloated fat cells go when they finally DO shrink and I lose weight?  Naturally, I googled it (what DID we ever do without the internet and google?) and found this:
Article
You may have heard that by following a proper diet and exercise program, you can actually turn body fat into muscle. Not true. Fat and muscle are two separate entities. You must burn fat and build muscle.
Here's how fat is burned:
When you lose weight (by eating less and exercising more), an enzyme located in fat cells disassembles the fat compounds and sends the components into the bloodstream. Liver and muscle cells take up these components and disassemble them even further until what's left is a compound called acetyl-CoA. Acetyl-CoA then enters the Krebs cycle, a series of chemical reactions that takes place in the mitochondria -- the cell's "power plant."
The end product is made up of...
• Carbon dioxide, which is expelled when you exhale.
• Water, which is lost as urine and perspiration.
• Heat, which helps maintain body temperature.
• ATP, the molecule that fuels cellular activities that require energy.
On the flip side, to build muscle you need to work those muscles on a regular basis (no pain, no gain)...and eat appropriate amounts of dietary protein. Your protein grams for the day should total about 50% of your body weight in pounds, unless you're a serious athlete, in which case your protein requirements should total about 50-80% of your body weight in pounds
By Joy Bauer, M.S., R.D., C.D.N. - Posted on Mon, Aug 06, 2007, 10:00 pm PDT

Now I would never think that fat turns into muscle - I wasn't looking for that nor the amount of protien I need each day.  I just think the chemical process is amazing and since Anatomy and Chemistry were among my favorite classes in college, I enjoyed knowing exactly how that happens.
On the scale today I was up a lb.  Big deal.  I have no energy and actually laid down this afternoon which is practically unheard of with a Busy Bee 3-yr old who never seems to stop talking much less sit still.  I was *hoping* hubby would be able to join me (wink) but no such luck.  She never stopped talking and playing and walking and talking and running and playing and yelling and dancing and talking and eating and talking and drinking....well, you get the picture.   Have I told you guys my husband is amazing?  He really is and let me be totally lazy for a few hours while he cut the grass and kept the kids occupied.
I had a hard time eating again today, although last night I was able to take a bite of the topping on a piece of pizza and drink a lot.  I got a half of the horsepill antibiotic stuck last night and OUCH it hurt - I could actually feel it go through b/c I felt a sharp pain where my band is, I was totally sick to my stomach and breathing fast like you do when you're about to throw up for real - and then it totally went away and my nausea was instantly gone.  From now on, I'm breaking those suckers up into 4 parts instead of in half!
I tried to eat some cereal this a.m. - it was slow going and I only ate a half cup with milk.  I had some tuna with light mayo for lunch - another half cup - and it took me about a half hour to eat it.  I'm eating some greek yogurt now in effort to pack in the protein.  I'm also drinking mostly milk b/c with the few calories I'm eating, I can certainly afford the calories from the skim milk while getting all the other good stuff from the milk like Vit D and protein (8g in a cup).
My eating plan for this upcoming week will be:  breakfast: Protien shake (30g) 130 cal, Lunch - pureed soup, snack - greek yogurt (14g protein), Dinner - whatever we're having.  I need to find a way to get more water in and I have bottled water stocked in my office.  I also really need to find a way to get green vegetables in.  I'm having trouble with the bulk and fibrousness of most green vegetables and fruits.  I want the antioxidants and vitamins from them.  I don't want to make a smoothie b/c I hate the airbubbles in a blended smoothie.  I did buy some avocados and have been trying to eat those.  The texture is smooth enough.  Anyone have any good tricks or ideas on how to get some good green veggies in? 

210.5 today!

Its 10/24, one day past my goal of reaching 210.  I really didn't actually make it b/c I'm closer to 211 than 210 but the scale DID start with 210 and ended with .5.  Good enough!  I have a little less restriction today.  I actually ate 2 cookies but I could barely eat soup earlier.  I'm not eating any more bad stuff.  Why does the band let you eat cookies but I can't eat raw veggies right now?  Doesn't matter - I'm just not doing that again!

The scale stayed at 211! woot!

So the scaled stayed at 211!  I'm very happy about that!  Now I just need to get moving again and tighten this stuff up!  I attempted a video blog- I upgraded my blogger and it doesn't have the video option on the tool bar in the compose section, so I don't know how to do it without that.  All I havei s the image link, no video link in blogger for me.  I guess its in the same place as the elusive spell check which also disappeared when I upgraded!
I'm officially going to change my ticker since I think its going to stay here at 211.  Maybe in the next week I'll see 209 - like Gen - girl you are cruizin' right along!
I have a lot on my mind this weekend as I've received final news that my work location is 90% sure we're going to close.  I've got to decide what my plan of action will be.  Do I take severance, take some time off, and find a new job when the economy gets better in a year or two.  I'd like to take time off and be a stay at home mom.  Or, do I go ahead and relocate to another state, which means a move for my family and my husband would have to quit his job.  A job that he'd not get back once we returned here.  I don't want to move away permanently - I'd always want to come back - I'm just not sure what I really want long term.  Its a tough decision, really.  I also am considering going back to school to get my masters - as long as I'm employed, my employer will pay the tuition which is nice.  Something I really need to think through so I can feel good about my decision once it officially happens.  It probably won't happen for at least 4 mos or so.  I'll let you guys know what I think and even ask for your thoughts - I'd especially like to hear from those of you who have left good jobs to stay home.  Are you happy you did it?  Do you wish you would have done it differently?  What advice would you give someone else considering staying home and leaving a solid financial income?  What are the downfalls that I'm not considering b/c I'm not aware of them? 

211 today, can you believe it?

I sure can't.  I've not been eating much this week, this a much different experience this time with this much of a fill.  I know part of that has to be water weight b/c I was 213 yesterday.  How cool would it be for me to actually make my mini goal of 210 by 10/23?  I honestly know in my heart that won't happen tomorrow but I'm sure going to be close enough!
This fill really has been such a completely different experience.  I can't believe that I don't even get hungry during the day.  I could wait until 2 or 3pm to eat if I wanted to.  I have actually had to do that this week which is why I know I can last that long.  I'm not doing well with water intake so I've been focusing on that.  I've also been battling a strange cold that started in my throat and chest and after about 2.5 weeks has now gone into my head/sinus'.  I started taking antibiotic HORSE PILLS and had to break them in half.  UGH.  They were so hard to get down.  I'm able to eat a little more - volume-wise -  for dinner.  I'm learning the slower I eat, the more I'm able to get down with time.  Meaning, I can eat more and more - bigger bites - the longer I sit and/or graze.  I don't want to do that too much b/c then I'll overeat.  But I must say, I stay full after I eat just about a half cup to a cup of food.  And I stay very full much longer - like for 4-5 hours.  A couple of times,  I've even had to eat soup b/c I knew that was all I was going to be able to get down.  I've been doing well with getting the protien first and I've been doing protein shakes for breakfast along with a vitamin.  My only concern really is getting the water down and ensuring I'm getting vegetables down.  With this restriction fresh vegetables can be very hard to eat.   I don't even want to eat an apple b/c for as much as it would fill me up, I don't want to fill up with a fruit instead of a protien.
So is this what restriction really feels like?  Its so different than before and so, well, obvious!  I understand so much better now what everyone talks about when they are full and stay full for a long time.  Its wonderful, its awesome and to think I basically went 6 mos without this!
I do have to tell you that today I put on a pair of sz 18 Liz Claiborne dress pants that I'd had in my closet b/c while I could button them, they were too tight in the stomach and butt to wear in public.  Today - voila!   They fit perfectly and loosely!  So I'm losing in my stomach and my butt first....PERFECT!  No complaints here! 
My husband told me last night we were invited to a Christmas party with the car owners he's working with as part of his redneck hobby.  (Please excuse any offense but I have to say everyone would agree that racing go carts is redneck, right?  And he's proud of it! *sigh*)  Anyway, I would love to meet one of my goals by Christmas of looking somewhat decent in a new dress for this Christmas party!  I know I can do it.  I just wonder what weight I'd feel like I look pretty great?  Hmmmm.  I'm thinking that at 180, I'd look pretty darn awesome - but losing 30lbs by Christmas I think is a stretch and might be unhealthy.  Its ok.  I'd be happy at 190! :)

214.5 this morning

I barely ate 1000 cals yesterday and I did see a .5 loss.  Today was day one of the big conversion project at work - it was such a crazy busy day that I only drank half my starbucks and a protien shake.  I'm eating some leftover chili now for dinner and its slow going.  I'm finding that I can drink milk when I'm feeling restriction and it helps me.  I'm a little concerned of eating too few calories and shutting my metabolism down, so I'm working on that too.  Tomorrow I'm working out - and concentrating on consuming more calories.  I hope I'm at 214 tomorrow!

Still restricted, scale has stopped at 215

I'm still very restricted - I am able to eat very little- and always have to start with coffee or something warm or else I can't seem to eat much of it at all.  All day yesterday, as I was geting everything ready for the party, I only had one cup of coffee.  2pm party came along, I ate a couple of raspberries and drank some water and that was it until dinnertime.  I didn't even have a cupcake!  I just couldn't have even if I tried.  I tried to eat some Trader Joe's chicken fried rice (rice has never bothered me) but nope - couldn't eat it.  Then, I tried some Roasted Red Pepper and Tomato soup and b/c it was hot, of course, I was able to get it down.  I was still hungry so I warmed up some of the kid's Spaghettios w/ meatballs and it was so warm and hearty that I was able to eat about a cup of that.  Who ever thought I'd ever eat Sphaghettios??!!  Not me - I never even liked the way they smelled, but I'm telling you - they really hit the spot!
Today I had to go into work at 9:30 to oversee the conversion project - I had a 1/2 cup of coffee and for some dumb reason (well there were 12 dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts for all the employees) I mindlessly ate half a one - just not even thinking!  It got a little stuck, I had to go spit in the bathroom, UGH!  I felt so stupid for just reaching for that doughnut!  I'm glad the band stopped me.  It was such a wake up call to how easily we can overeat without even paying attention.
Its 3pm now, I stopped at Wendy's for chili on the way home - I thought the warmth and protien would be good for me.  I can barely eat a half a cup and I'm not hungry or worn down.  Its a wonderful thing.  I was really hoping after not eating very much yesterday, I might see a change on the scale, but nope - no change again today.  I'm at 215 and not even 214 like I was on Thursday.  But I'm absolutely, positively NOT complaining about 215 - I'm so very happy to be out of the 220's!  I swear I thought it would NEVER happen!
Hope you all are having a cozy day!  I'm sitting on the couch in a very soft cardigan, there's a fire in the fireplace, am I'm looking out the window as the rain drizzles on the lake outside.  I have a Sugar Cookie candle burning on the coffee table and its wonderful.  I love cozy!  Have a great day everyone!

This fill is working!

Lost again - got on the scale and I'm 214 today.  WOW WOW WOW!  Does this mean I'm going to start losing the weight now?  Am I finally going to be successful like all my fellow band bloggers?  I'm afraid to go there b/c I don't want to jinx myself!  I put some dates on my weight loss goals - I didn't do that before b/c I was tired of the disappointments when I didn't reach them.  Can I really get to Onederland by Thanksgiving and the low 190's by Christmas?!!?  I keep trying to stop myself from thinking those things and just go with the flow.....but I can't help it! I day dream about it! :)

Tonight I am going to dinner with my girlfriends to my favorite restaurant to celebrate one of our birthdays.  I know two of them are going to pressure me to eat more but I'm going to make up some excuse and hope they leave it alone.  I keep thinking about whether I am being authentic by keeping this from them, and its not that they wouldn't understand or be supportive, I just know that people make mistakes and DO talk about things they know and I feel that if I tell anyone - there is just the known risk that many people could find out.  It could be one of them accidentally telling someone, being overheard, etc.  I can't expect them NOT to tell their husbands and I just feel like that would be the first step of it getting out somehow.  I also can't see telling my girlfriends and not my family.  I will likely tell my sisters and my mom at some point - b/c I know they could keep it to themselves but I couldn't tell my SIL b/c she cannot keep it to herself.  Therefore, I can't tell my brother.  All that - all the upkeep- is why I choose to just keep it between my husband and myself.  Its just easier and simpler, you know? 
Gen blogged about the "half cup" at a time vs. calorie counting.  Great post - and the 'half cup' at a time is why I chose to get the 2nd fill.  I keep reading many success stories where they are eating 1/2 cup per meal and I'm wondering if this is what it will take for me to get the scale moving.  That is pretty much what I'm eating right now.  I can tell you that its not easy bc I WANT to eat more and enjoy the taste of the food over and over again.  But the restriction is definitely stopping me.  I still am having issues where I can't seem to burp the air and its turning into gas in my stomach, etc.  When I go to bed at night my stomach is bloated from the air and I have gas pains. *sigh* oh the embarassing honesty.....good thing we all understand each other!
Yesterday I was picking up party food for Busy Bee's birthday and they had some really nice Calvin Klein jeans at Costo.  Very cute - they went up to size 14.  I held up the 14 and thought - can you imagine being able to fit in a size 14 jeans?  I just can't imagine.  I wore size 14 jeans 4 years ago before I got pg with BusyBee - and I weighed about 198.  Amy had a really great post about how many sizes you really drop in the low 200's to 190's.  Its so true.  I'm 214 and am wearing my size 18's and could wear 16's but they would be tight.  I've not worn larger than an 18, even at 235 (it was, of course tight)  I wore that size.  Once I get down to 210, I'm sure I'll be in the 16's comfortably.  I'll need to be in the 180-190's to fit into 14's comfortably, I think.  I have absolutely NO idea what weight I'd be to fit into a 12 - I'm guessing 160-170's?   I just so enjoy reading other bloggers posts when they change sizes.  I really love the pictures too that all of you post b/c it is so inspiring to me and allows me to dream!
Have a wonderful day everyone!!