Whassa happnin' hotstuff?

Monday, June 6, 2011

Scale still says 189.5 - WOOT! and sleeping problems

I've been up since 3am because I can't sleep.  This has been happening to me for the last 3-4 weeks and I'm not sure why.  I have had a lot going on not just mentally (ending job, interviewing for new job, adjusting to not going to work) and physically (been running consistently for 4 weeks, eating 800-1000 cals per day, and losing 14 lbs in 5 weeks).  So not sure exactly what,  if none or if all of those things combined is causing my sleeping issues.

Regardless, it sucks.  I've had so much on my mind lately that I just can't seem to get all the thoughts out of my head.  Without having constant crisis at work to deal with anymore, I'm finding myself lost at home.  I have these fight or flight feelings going on and I want the 'flee' part.  I know for sure that's why I've been able to run consistently.  I just want to run, run, run and wear myself out so I stop thinking so much.  I've been doing a lot of soul searching and as I said before - re-evaluating my life and where I am.  I think about whether this is where I really am supposed to be - doing the things I'm doing, with the people I'm with.  Again - my over analytical self thinks - that these feelings are just an extension of the 'flight' mode I seem to be in these days.  I'm just not motivated or interested in the things I used to be interested in.  I don't want to stay home, don't want to cook, don't want to garden, don't even want to watch TV.  I want to meet people, train for the half marathon, kayak, go shopping, do yoga, work out, go out with my friends.  I'm not some teenager -what the heck is my problem?  Am I trying to re-capture the youth I never had b/c I had to be so responsible and take care of and support myself?  Probably.  Am I feeling that this is my 'last chance' to be young and strong now that I'm in my 40's?  Probably.  Even though I honestly don't feel it, am I having a mid-life crisis because my birthday is this Sunday? I guess so...... I hate being so freaking stereotypical!

What is going to get me settled and happy again?  I was so comfortable before - but I feel that all those things that made me comfortable also was just a security blanket.  Like food was a security blanket.  My life is safe, my relationships are safe, my hobbies are safe, my friends are safe, my job was safe, my financial future is safe because of my safe job.  Safe, safe, safe.    I swear - my eating is so different now and it doesn't seem hard!  I'm not eating emotionally and the incredible thing is that I don't even want to! I don't want to be safe and eating emotionally I think to accept my unhappiness in all of those safe things I'd created for myself in my life.

Yep, sounds like a mid-life crisis to me! LOL! Now how do I fix this?


  1. Awww...I hope you are able to work things through soon. So happy for you that the loss stayed put. You rock!

  2. Can't you have it all? Why just one way or the other?

    Believe me you can have it all!!!!!


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...