Ok - so the question: My newly divorced friend, had a guy come up to her in a bar and really liked her. They met for lunch the following day, they've kissed, they met out late another time kissed more, he made her dinner at his house once and they spent the day together. Late one night she got very loaded, went to his house without intentions and they ended up sleeping together - both were loaded and he was definitely the one who pursued the opportunity (prior to that she kind of felt like the one making all the first moves, giving positive signals, etc.). After that - he went on a trip - they didn't talk/text much, which was fine. Then on another night - she stopped by his house after going out with friends sort of like the week before- she called his ph while standing at his front door, he answered the ph but he was sleeping and little loaded himself. When he answered, she said "let me in" and she doesn't remember what he said after that or if he hung up. She kept calling him immediately after that and he didn't answer. Ultimately, he didn't answer the ph and she left. She apologized the next day in text, chalked it up to "acting really stupid, really late and I'm sorry about that." He replied "no worries" and hasn't texted her since. Its been 2 weeks. Just a few nights prior to that, he was flirtatious and normal.
I know it sounds otherwise, but she's NOT one to sleep around. She worried he thinks that and they just had such an intense connection and she'd not been with anyone since her husband. She really liked this guy and is so hurt and disappointed at the sudden and complete LACK of texting/conversation after about 4 weeks of talking everyday. He's a very earthy/'spiritual' type person and very straight forward with people which is why she's confused he didn't just call it off and be done with it. She knows he's done that with other women. She wants to text him this: "Hey there, I fully realize I'm breaking protocol by texting you, but I don't care about protocol and as you already know make my own rules anyway. I know I chose not to meet anyone new until you and that makes me new to all of this/this world of meeting people. I'm simply not that 'casual' and it just seems odd to not at least say I wish you well and wish much peace to you on your path."
What do you think? Does she lose her dignity or does she seem needy for doing this? Should she just not text him at all and let it go? She says she just doesn't understand and she feels like she needs to put it out there for herself. Its likely she's going to see him 'out' as they frequent some of the same places occasionally and kind of wants the last word and to take the 'mature' approach.
I don't think he's temporarily withdrawing - I think the challenge is over and so he's no longer interested. Which completely sucks. I met him and really thought he was different too. I definitely liked his honestly and gentle nature but I'm also confused by his behavior. If she's never going to 'date' him again, what's the harm in her putting that out there and looking like the strong one - not weak or crushed by his behavior (even though I know she is really disappointed).
Obviously he doesn't feel the same..........
ReplyDeleteI would not bother with a text....he obviously knows how to contact her and from what you've written, "he is not into her". I wouldn't even give him the satisfaction of knowing that she is bothered by it. He she see's him out, she should just hold her head up and not worry about him. Fuck him, he is not worth it.
ReplyDeleteAs for you? Congrats on the SV!!!!!
She may have turned him off with the stalking moment, but he's definitely not into her now. Don't text. Save some dignity.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on your weigh in! I found at times that changing it up - even if that meant more food and less exercise - moved the scale for me as well. Weird how that is, huh?
ReplyDeleteOn your friend, I wouldn't send the text. It's like what Jacquie said "he's not that into her". As hard as it is, I'd just move on. If she can't, I'd call over send a text like that. I'd also say that if he were to contact her to not pounce on this or lack of contact immediately, just see where the conversation goes. My two cents anyway...
I think she will make herself look desperate if she texts him. In my opinion, his lack of communication is her answer, regardless if she likes it or not. I was divorced and back on the dating scene in my 40's it's confusing and scary. My best advice to your friend, is not to sleep with anyone regardless of the circumstances until she know where she stands in that relationship. You can't go backward and get that initial respect back. Best of luck to her, it's a tough time!
ReplyDeleteI forgot to say, way to go on 187!
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone...just try and forget about it..or she should try that is! Way to go on the loss!!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely do not send the text. I've been juggling the dating world for 10 years now in my 40's and it is awful. This scenario has happened to me more than I care to admit. My advice too -- if you want to have sex have sex but do not expect it to be a relationship. If your friend meets a guy she might be interested in something long term DO NOT HAVE SEX! Definitely make him chase you. If he chases and you don't put out until you KNOW the relationship is stable and committed that's good. If he gives up - well - then you know what the guy is all about.
ReplyDeleteIt is a lot different for women when they sleep with men. We release the hormone oxytocin during sex which is the bonding hormone. Men do not have this at all. They can have sex and not ever see the woman again and feel fine about it whereas women have a much harder time with that scenario. As difficult has it is to not have sex with someone you really like it is necessary in order to weed out the good guys.
I'm so bad and out of touch when it comes to dating protocol. But one thing I do know is that if a guy wants to date a girl, he will pursue her. If he doesn't, he doesn't want to. It sucks, but seems to be the case. I'm sorry for your friend, but there is someone better for her out there.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on your loss! I hope you love your running group tonight.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to echo everyone else, and also say that it's my experience that the "I just want the last word" text is never just wanting the last word-- it's at least partly about a last-ditch attempt to get some different response than the "I'm not into you". So not worth it. He used her for sex, and it was fun until it was done for him. He's the jerk, not her (though this is a lesson in the dangers drinking can bring into sex, even when you're a mature woman). It is not the type of "relationship" worth pursuing, even if it was full of chemistry in the beginning.
Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to respond. Its very clear by the consensus that she needs to NOT text him. And Lyla - you're so right that it's really not about having the last word - she is trying to get a different response and I never thought about it that way.
ReplyDeleteSuch a wise group of women you all are!! I called her tonight and while she is comforted that none of you know who she is - she's so appreciative that I asked all of you and appreciates your truly objective opinion. Try as I might, I can't be as objective as all of you b/c I know her and I know this situation so well. I was actually waffling - so thank you, thank you!! She is NOT going to text him and is going to let it be. She's heartbroken. :(
Do NOT text him. However, do dress up as a ninja, sneak into his house, take a pic of him naked, post it to FB and tell everyone his penis is smaller than Congressman's Weiner's brain. Yes, that is what I would do.
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ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else that wrote. Don't text him; don't call him. He knows how to contact her, so if he's interested (which he apparently is not) then he can get in touch with her. She should save her dignity and move on.
ReplyDeleteI second Drazil's notion for dressing up as a ninja as well.
Christine
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