Apparently the band seems to be working for me...

Create your own FACEinHOLE

I've become a supermodel overnight!  Yeah, I showed this to my husband and he was quiet for a moment, then he laughed, then he asked me to email it to him......mmm hmmmm.
Oh it was fun to make it.....I laughed so hard.  All my daughter said was "MOM - Look at your BUTT!"

Just like all of you - my heart goes out to Barbara

 I can never begin to imagine what she is going through.  My heart goes out to Barbara and her family.  So many of you who know her well and even met her in Chicago - have said so many eloquent things on your blogs.  I wanted to take a moment and post something because I love to see on the side of so many blogs  - where we all have the list and snippits of the blogs we follow- a long list of blogs who are mentioning her and thinking of her.  That's really a sweet tribute in itself.

Her husband's battle resonates with me personally b/c it reminds me of my father's battle with cancer.  The ups and downs, the roller coaster of  being hopeful one moment and being crushed the next, trying to trust the doctors only to realize they're only guessing most of the time.  Watching someone you love get weak and wanting to help them but not being able to and watching strong and proud man go through so much is heartbreaking.  My father died of skin cancer  - not melanoma - he had what most people think is an innocent cancer - simple squamous cell carcinoma that many people get burned off their noses, or lips, or forearms when its over exposed to the sun.  The doctors could never explain it, they didn't know exactly what was going on and why.  He passed away very young, at 55.  Losing my father was more than devastating.  I can't imagine losing my husband.

What I do know is the kindness of others and the thoughtful gestures made all the difference.  I wish I could have expressed to others just how much it meant to me so they would understand my gratitude- I was just so overwhelmed and exhausted from grief that I know I never expressed it properly.  That's why I want you all to know that all that you are doing really is comforting her in a small yet very significant way.  This blogging community is really an amazing group of wonderful people.  And like all of you - all my thoughts and prayers go out to her.

205.5 today - that's 5.5lbs in 3 weeks!

Woo hoooo!!!

Scale not moving but I'm figuring things out

First, I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I sometimes get consumer test products to test /provide feedback to companies --  and guess what arrived today for our family to test?  

Goldfish soft brownie cookies.  Why did it have to be chocolate?!

I also had another pkg waiting for me - I purchased a goal bathing suit from Lands End!  Its a great terracotta color for me (when I'm tan - not now when I'm basically transparent, I'm so white!)  When I get a little bit of color it will look nice.  I want to wear it on our tropical trip in June.   **I can't seem to get the picture to work so I'll have to take a pic and post it later.

So, onto how things are going with the band...

I really am figuring this thing out!  I keep going back to something Gen commented on my recent posts and I also know she's talked about on her blog before.

Its this:  Don't test the band to see how much can eat, test it to see how little you can eat and still not be hungry.

I've been taking this approach and its definitely helping me.  Its a paradigm shift - for sure.  But all this time I've subconsciously and consciously thinking about this band and how its supposed to limit me from eating, looking for fills to limit how much I'm eating, testing the band to see how much I can get away with comfortably.  Instead this week, I'm seeing how little I can get away with and still be balanced and healthy and not feel hungry.  Some nights are better than others - but I feel more calm about it all.  I'm not feeling that desperate feeling of limitation.  

I did weigh myself today - I'm 207.5.  I wanted to see a loss but I've had a head cold and haven't been consistent with exercising and I did go out last night for drinks after work with the girls.  So I'm ok with it.  And I feel good about continuing forward with my new mental approach to the band.  

Such great advice - thank you!

You all have given me both a lot to think about and quite a bit of great advice.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate and have learned from everyone's feedback on my last post.  I have to say that I've recognized that I really was using my band to try to stop me from eating.  I was also eating when I wasn't hungry.  I was eating b/c I wanted to eat not because I needed to eat.

I'm still able to eat as much as I want - but I need to pay attention to when I'm actually full.  I go too fast and I'm not pausing and listening.  I've gotten much better based on all the GREAT GREAT feedback.  Every single comment from each person really make me think - I honestly believe I've had a misunderstanding about how I'm supposed to feel all this time.  I really expected it to limit me - not limit myself - if that makes any sense.  And the funny thing is, the reason I held off getting fills for so long is because I was afraid of the band limiting me from eating what I wanted at the time.  I really thought that certain foods were something I'd have to give up forever. 

I need to continue to work out just how much I'm able to eat vs. how much I should be eating.  I'm sticking very closely to 1100 calories daily without much trouble, able to eat anything (yep pizza et all!), and as I'm realizing - this is the place I'm supposed to be in.  I need to reel in the portion control and I've been successful at that the last few days.

The scale is stuck at 207.5 as of this morning - I'm hoping to see a drop on my weekly weigh in on Friday.  I have a cold that's making me a bit fatigued - but I'll be over it soon enough!

I need to catch up on my runs - I've skipped a few the last couple of days and went to bed early.  I'll be back on track tomorrow!

Thank you again everyone - I've learned so very much from you!!!  

Well, this ISN'T it...

Well, I've given it a few days and it turns out my recent fill, then unfill, leaving me with a net .3ccs added to my band just isn't the sweet spot I'd been hoping for.  After 3 nights of horrendous reflux to the point that I was waking every 30 mins to an hour choking on acid,  I know I did the right thing by getting a small unfill of only .2ccs.  I'm just disappointed that what I've been adjusted to last week really isn't the place I wanted to be.

The new pattern seems to be that I'm tight in the a.m. (I was before this fill also) and by lunchtime - I can eat pretty much whatever I want.  By dinnertime - forget it - I actually ate a slice of pizza the other night. How can only .2 cc's - that's POINT TWO cc's make me go from sleepless acid filled nights to basically letting me eat what I want?  I'm at 2.5ccs in a 4cc band now.

I've done well, I've not allowed myself to get away with eating everything and anything in sight.  I have tested the band a few times, however,  just to try to learn what I could and couldn't do.  Maybe that's a mistake - I'm not sure why I test the limits of the band.  I guess I just want to understand better what restriction is supposed to feel like and I understand it to feel like I did in the first few days of this last fill.  It felt then like I could eat a smaller but reasonable portion, feel contentedly full on that smaller portion, but not so full that I'm miserable and slime or PB.  

I'm craving chocolate and carbs again.  I know if I give in, it just leads down that endless loop of wanting  more.  It reminds me of a documentary on cocaine addition I watched the other night.  Like a coke addict, it takes more and more of the stuff to get the same high because the body adjusts to it.  It seems to takes more and more chocolate and carbs to make me happy.  Only, I'm never really satisfied - I'm just driven to eat more of the stuff.  An endless loop!   I am going to figure out how to minimize it b/c I don't subscribe to the idea that we should never have chocolate or carbs!  That would be terrible! :)

I'm doing well with exercise.  Staying strong and being consistent!  I will work tonight on my lunches for next week.  I'm going to plan them out and pack them in the freezer or fridge so I don't misstep this week on the food front.  I have some gumbo made with turkey sausage already in the freezer, I'll make some tuna salad, and pre-cut some veggies.  It makes such a difference to pre-cut veggies and have them ready to go!  I also already have dinners planned for the week - its essential in my house b/c of the kids and the lack of time when I get home in the evenings!

I hope you all have a great week this week!

I hope this is it

Again, all you smart, experienced women were RIGHT!  After  I literally could eat ANYTHING including soft pretzels after the unfill on Thursday I felt some restriction yesterday.  I am still worried that I took too much out or perhaps the Dr misunderstood me and took out more than I asked b/c I could literally eat anything.  But yesterday, I was tight all day - I had coffee for bfast, V8 for snack, and when I tried to eat some Lentil soup for lunch I just couldn't eat much.  I was on the verge of the foamies - you know what I mean?  When you feel like you have foam in your throat?  Anyway - I went out with the girls last night and was a little worried I would have trouble eating,  I ordered the tuna sashimi and a Champagne Lemon Drop Martini.  The sashimi was slow going but after a while I was able to eat.  It was SO good!  And a clean, healthy protein.  I could feel it move pretty quickly through my band.  I didn't overdo it - I had one battered Shrimp, a little bit of cheese off a margarita pizza, and a few bites of a quesadilla.  I could have eaten more but I stopped.

So, I have no idea if I'm really restricted or not.  I couldn't really eat much during the day yesterday but last night I could have eaten almost anything I wanted.  I'm taking all of your advice and just waiting it out....

Oh - and I got on the scale, I'm 207.8 so I gained back the water from being a little dehydrated.  I'm disappointed for not being at 206 - I swear - with the small amount I actually ate last week, you'd think I would have made it!  

I'll be working out today and tomorrow b/c I missed Thu and Fri.  I'm up to 3 mins running and I'm feeling good about it.  

DH and I have the night free tonight!  We're going on a date (kids are spending the night at their Aunt's) so that will be fun!  No spending in January means we're using one of the many gift cards we need to use up!  I have so many of them - its crazy - so we're focused on using what we ALREADY HAVE! :)  Its going really well so far.

In the spirit of no spending in January, I found a way around using our $$ and instead used a Gift Card.  Yesterday, I had a promotional gift card to Williams Sonoma (you got so much credit in $ for increments spent before Christmas and I buy a lot of gifts there!) so I bought this:

It was rated as one of the top 10 gadgets last year and my kids LOVE Popsicles!  So this allows you to make them yourself and even make healthier versions with real fruit, yogurt and not so much sugar.   It has gotten a lot of really good reviews - but I'll let you know if it really works when we try it out with the kids. 

I can't wait to catch up on your blogs out there!  

I feel SO MUCH BETTER!

First, thank you so much for hanging in there with me and posting to express your concerns.  It makes such a difference to have you there commenting along when I'm feeling anxious, not sure what to do.  No one else really understands, can relate, or can give real experience advice and support.  So thank you from the bottom of my heart!

I feel SO MUCH BETTER!  We ended up taking only .2ccs as I had requested.  My doctor came from her home, opened the office, and took care of this for me this morning.  Kristin - like you who had a tiny unfill yesterday - I feel 10x better too!   I am just so amazed at how so little, tiny, itsy bitsy bit of saline - .2 ccs is only two small lines on a syringe - makes me go from a rock in my stomach and having issues with saliva and reflux to being able to eat soup like a normal person.  My stomach is a little sensitive now - as I'm eating it kind of feels like a marble is trying to go through the band every so often as my stomach just churns a little bit.  But I know that will go away and I can just feel that my throat feels less tight.  

I don't know about the rest of you but I feel tightness in my throat more than anywhere else and now that's gone - yipee!!  

Gen - you're so right - what is up with these crazy fills/unfills?  I sure hope this weight stays off - it would be AMAZING if it did!  I'm glad yours stayed off.  I sure was short on the calories since Monday so hopefully that might mean some of this stays off!    Jacquie - I think you're going to be really happy with the .1 taken out!  Keep us updated on how it makes you feel!

I'm going to stay on liquids again today and try mushies through the next few days just to be safe.  I am feeling a bit of hunger right now and I had absolutely NO hunger since the fill.  I'm hoping this is the sweet spot - the right place for me!!!!

**Edited a few hours later to add:
I ate some soup but felt like I wanted something else. I felt hunger and b/c I've eaten so little over the past few days.  I was able to eat regular food and it didn't even phase me.....I'm really worried now that my unfill has put me back where I was with NO restriction again....oy vey...how can this be!??!  I'm going to be patient and hope that some restriction comes back.

unfill appt now

I'm posting from my car as I wait for my unfill appt.  I had another night of waking every hour.  I took the advice you all gave me ysterday, only clear liquids and took a prilosec.  i know that is why I didnt have acid issues, instead I woke constantly choking on saliva.  Still gross but waaaay better than acid reflux!!  I'm going to ask that she only remove 2ccs so I will be left at 2.5ccs instead of 2.7 where I am now.

The bright side is that my scale said 204.8 this am!  Too bad that is just water that I will gain back today.  I sure hope this fixes things today!

I need advice/help about this fill

As you all predicted, the fill has kicked in and last night at dinner I could consume only 1 cup of soup.  I stopped eating by 7pm so that I wouldn't experience the same issue with reflux that I did the night before.  I even hopped on the treadmill for 30 mins which seemed to help my stomach from feeling too overfull.  I consumed only 730 calories yesterday and could not eat more b/c I was so tight a dinnertime. (I don't want my caloric intake to be that low everyday so my weight loss doesn't stall.)

Last night, I went to bed early b/c I was tired from waking up from reflux twice the night before.  By 11pm, I was already waking from my sleep, choking yet again on stomach acid.  Oh gross!  This time, I was awake every hour and sometimes twice per hour.  Propping myself up,  taking pepto chewables, even drinking water didn't help.  I was so tight the water just sat like a rock and took hours to gurgle down.

This morning, I drank some milk, and it took a bit to get down also.  I'm typically very tight in the a.m. so this doesn't surprise me,  but I had to drink something b/c I had a killer headache.  I took some ibuprofen which has now finally kicked in but good grief - this is DEFINITELY the restriction I was hoping for - sans the reflux!!!

Do I go back now and get some removed?  Do I leave it as is and see if I have another night of reflux?  In my past 2 fill experiences, the band always loosened within about a week or two.  I don't want another sleepless night - and I don't want to lose restriction.  I can tell my stomach is quite irritated right now - I'm sure due to the acid issues.  I'm just so torn as to what to do.  I'm leaning towards getting like .2 cc taken out.  Keep in mind, I've got a 4cc Inamed band - I went from only 2.2ccs to 2.7ccs.  That's only a fill of .5ccs!  I know its only relative to the size of the band - I guess I should say I went from a 55% full band to a 67.5% full band. *sigh*  I don't want to get a small amount out, then the band relaxes, and I've lost the restriction again.  I also know my band seems to be just fine during the day!  Tight in the a.m. (as always) but I've never really experienced tightness at night.  I know this is what is causing the reflux.  UGH!

I'm going to drink broth and such today - take it very easy on my band and call and find out how much it costs to have another adjustment.  Can you believe I went from feeling almost no difference to slam shut at night?    I just don't know if this band is going to relax tonight.  I really don't want to have any taken out b/c I felt like I went into the fill fairly conservatively to avoid this specific scenario that I'm in!

What do you all recommend?

Oh, and P.S., I got on the scale today, my goal for FRI is 206 and I'm at 207.5 today so I think I could possibly make goal!

Not sure about this fill

Thank you Jacquie and Jen (from Oregon) for the quick comments yesterday as I was posting from my cell phone - I appreciate it more than you know.  I got .5 ccs added to the 2.2ccs in my 4cc band.  That puts me at 2.7 cc.  The fill itself was great - my doctor is just awesome - but I was thinking yesterday I could just eat too much afterwards.  I ate 1 whole cup of tuna casserole last night - I thought I'd only be able to eat a half cup, but I was still hungry so I was able to eat another half cup.  I ate later than normal and did have some reflux issues last night - just waking up from my sleep.

I'm concerned b/c I actually felt hungry yesterday and I thought the hunger feeling would go away.  I'm up this morning and feel hungry for breakfast but haven't had anything yet.  We will see how today goes and I'm waiting to see if the fill will 'kick in' like it does for many of you!

I've got soups made and packed for this whole week - I plan to stay on mushy foods for as long as I can this whole week.  I'm also shooting for 206 this Friday - I weighed myself this morning and I'm still 208 - so its still possible but perhaps not likely.  We'll see!

fill complete but able to eat

I'm posting fr my ph at work and need some advice.  im at 2.7 cc now up from 2.2 cc.  did the water test with my amazing doctor and I thought this amount seemed right.  I've had water, tomato soup, a protien shake and a cup of greek yogurt already in the 4 hours since my fill.  And I feel hungr perhaps this is too conservative ?

I'm feeling pretty darn good!

The tree is down and all the Christmas stuff is finally all put away in the attic!  That's a huge accomplishment for us.  I'm just glad its done! Check!

This is the star on my tree.  I love how simple it is and how it looks 'sugared' like a gumdrop!

Goodbye ornaments - see you next year!

I just finished dinner - we had some tilapia that my husband and son caught over the summer that we had frozen.  It was delicious - nothing beats good old Italian Dressing plus a little dill and citrus on broiled fish. Its amazing how something so simple always comes out best.  (Use full octane Italian - not fat free).  I also ate 2 dinner rolls which I sat and ate and really enjoyed.  I was thinking about poor Gen and how I'm not going to be able to eat this come Monday since I'll be getting my fill then.  Its the first fill for me in over a year.  I've got a 4cc band and have 2.2 ccs in it.  I want to get rid of the hunger I feel between meals and I'm just hopeful I have a better experience than Gen.  Gosh I feel so bad for her as I know you all do...

I spent 45 mins on the treadmill and I feel great.  Great that I'm continuing to do it and great that I'm enjoying it.  I'm amazed at how empowered I feel when I work out.  Not sure if its the music or the endorphins or what - but I'm writing this now to inspire one of you as well as inspire myself tomorrow when I don't want to do it how great I always feel afterwards.  I even ran for 2 mins straight.  I know that's silly - but I'm enjoying easing into the walk to run program.  I've totally taken the pressure off myself and I'm just following the Nike Plus program.  

I was also thinking of the job I applied for.  In case anyone doesn't remember, I'm getting laid off in about 4 mos.  I've known for about a year now and was tortured trying to decide if I wanted to take severance or relocate.  I decided I didn't want to relocate - but I also decided if I could find a project management job that allowed me to work remotely with 25% travel, it would be worth it for me.  I've inquired to 2 other jobs - both turned out they wanted them in a center - not a remote (work from home) location.  I totally understand that.  We'll see what happens - just bear with me as I give you guys updates on my work/possible lay off in the next 3 months.  My life will change dramatically in the coming months one way or another. :)

We had a strange day of snow again today.  My kids just have never seen snow 2x in year - much less 2 years in a row.  Here's a pic I snapped of this afternoon.  It was just beautiful as I sipped some tea by the fire.  Such a COZY afternoon - just the way I LOVE it!

Its Fri and my weigh in day....

Last Friday I was 211.3 and 210.0 on my 2 scales.  My goal was to be at 208 - and I'm at exactly 208.0 (From 211.3 to 208.7 on the higher scale).  While it feels great to move that scale, losing just 2 pounds was really, I mean really, HARD!  I worked out diligently and really had a lot of hunger trying to stay within my 1100-1200 calorie range.  I'm think of all of you who have lost 50, 80, 100 lbs and more.  I am just overwhelmed at how hard it was for all of you.  Seriously!  I am just thinking of all of you and how amazing an accomplishment it is for everyone.

At the bottom of this 48lb hill I'm sitting at the bottom of, looking up at, I have to tell you its looking quite daunting to me.  I'm going to try to stop thinking about it as a long term uphill battle and only think about next week.  I know my fill Monday will help me with the hunger I'm feeling.  I'm only going to ask for a small fill since I have a 4cc band, unlike many of you who have a 10cc.  I'm at 2.4 and I think I want to go to 2.8 or something like that.  Just enough to hopefully get rid of the hunger but not so much that I'm back to that desperate feeling that I can't eat anything and I feel like I'm imprisoned and then make bad slider choices.

I also know reading other blogs that this should feel a little more effortless, right?  That's right isn't it?  LOL  Hey well, at least its FRIDAY!  I hope all of you have a great weekend - I know I'm going to keep it going and look forward to next FRI showing 206 on the scale for me!  

I'm ORANGE level!

No I'm not talking about the national security travel alert level. I walked only for a short time tonight, but it was enough to achieve a new ORANGE level in my Nike plus!  Woot! You have to have logged 30+ miles to achieve this so its a big deal for me. Its kinda funny - so I thought I'd share it...

Day 4 and going strong!

I worked out again yesterday for 45 mins and my 'coached' walk to run Nikeplus.com program only called for 15 mins.  I'm feeling so good about it physically and I'm proud of myself. My dear husband does a good job of keeping my 4 yr old out of the room so I can get it done without constant interruption, questions, and/or a kid trying to throw various items (stuffed animals, pennies, rubber duckies) on the moving treadmill deck and watch them whip off the back end (ask me how I know).

I signed up for a 10K!  Its a good ways off - and so I've got plenty of time to work my way up to running an entire 6miles without walking.  One of my dreams is to buy myself a pair of nike running shorts like these:

And I also want to look like Nicole at BetterBanded does in hers!  She had a pic of herself in her blog header and she looks like I want to look someday in those running shorts!  Seriously, I saw her white nike shorts and said - that's exactly as cute as I want to look!

I'm definitely feeling hungry - and want to eat more than I'm allowing myself.  I haven't gone over on my calorie limit I've set for myself at 1150 and since I'm burning 200-300 cals walking I should be on target for this Friday's weigh in.  My goal is to lose 2 lbs and be at 208.  I'm really looking forward to my fill appt next Monday.  I'm looking forward to not feeling hungry~

On track!

I'm on track!  I've successfully logged my food intake all week and I'm on my 3rd consecutive day of running my walk to run coach program on Nike+plus.  I had misplaced but finally found the transmitter that attaches to my shoe yesterday so now my runs are counting on the website! Woot!  I really love the Nike+plus site and how it tracks my runs and motivates me.  Its probably because I'm an excel freak and the Nike+plus site graphs everything out so beautifully.

This is what it looks like:

  No, I didn't run for an hour - but this is what it looks like when you synch your ipod with the site.

I'm working on organization, so I'm cleaning up and simplifying my blog a little bit.  You may see it change a few times until I'm happy with it.  I love the headers many of you have with custom pictures so I created one myself.  

I've really enjoyed this past week off, I've done nothing at all, and its been glorious.  We've played games, cooked, read books, played around with my blog.  Its been nice to be lazy and not work on projects around the house.  I feel energized to keep working out, to de-clutter, and did I tell you hubby and I are embarking on a month of no spending?  

As part of de-cluttering, I want to challenge myself to use up stuff in my pantry and my fridge.  We have so many fun Xmas gifts like the Kinect - and we want to USE them instead of going out and spending money.  We have everything we need here - and we need to use up what we have already!  Its going to require me to get creative in the kitchen but I think it will be a lot of fun.  Right now, I've got some Carolina BBQ cooking in the crockpot.  A pork shoulder I already had in the freezer and seasonings I already had on hand.  What we don't use, I'll freeze and it will be an awesome meal later in the month.

My plan next week is to change up my resume to a functional format so I can apply for some project management jobs.  There is one out there right now but it requires 40% travel and I'm just not willing to do that.  My job will be ending (layoff) in May so I either need to find a job that allows me to work remotely or I'll have to take severance.  This is going to be a big change in my life this first part of 2011. My path with change dramatically as this part of my life unfolds.

My plan next week also includes protein shakes every morning and getting up 1 hour early and walking on the treadmill first thing in the a.m.  If I don't do that, I fear it won't happen when I get home from work.  I'll let you know how that turns out - regardless of the time of day- I'm GOING TO MAKE EXERCISE happen!  I even signed up for a 10K yesterday!  Its quite a few months away - but its giving me something to work toward!

Its a great year!

I hopped on the treadmill yesterday and walked for 40 mins.  It was FREEING to feel happy about getting it done (off my list for the day) and it just felt good to get my body moving.  I'm a little surprised at how out of shape I am - but the good thing is that I know that comes back pretty quickly.  I'm looking forward to feeling stronger and stronger.

I've done a good job tracking my calories (including the pink champagne, 1/2 pomegranate martinis and 1 vodka cranberry drink from last night!) I was actually the first of our group of friends to leave the party.  I had my 2 kids to get home!  But lets just say I'm not usually the first to leave a really fun party!  I had planned to be the DD so my husband could drink - and let me tell ya - its not as much fun! Ha Ha!  

We planned a trip to Mexico as a group last night.  We've gone before as a group and absolutely had a blast.  The only problem is that they all want to go in March - like in 3 months - and well, I guess I'd prefer to have more time to try to lose some weight.  After I lose my job in May, we're just not going to spend money on going to Mexico again anytime soon, so I would rather we go after I've accomplished the bulk of my weight loss.   I have this grand vision of renewing my wedding vows on the beach in Mexico among my good friends.  But I want to look and feel beautiful too.  I didn't feel entirely beautiful when I got married waaaaay back in 1994.  I weighed about 170lb and looked fine - I just didn't feel like a beautiful bride - you know?  I want to feel beautiful and celebrate that I've been married for 16 yrs.  

Of course one thing I didn't consider is that one of us - is going to through a divorce right now.  Not her choice, but he made the choice for the both of them, unfortunately.  Her divorce is final in March - perhaps it wouldn't be a great idea to renew my vows at that time.  This may be a liberation and renewal trip for her and not me this time.

Have any of you ever renewed your vows or wanted to?