Personal stuff - ups and downs

Of course, all this we write in our blogs is ALL personal stuff but I'm finding that I'm having deep thoughts about a lot of things lately.  I'm not sure if its the solitude of exercise and the music that I am listening to that makes me think about myself, my life, what I want to do with my time now, and where I want to be.

I have a pretty solid self worth and have a strong sense of self confidence personality-wise.  Obviously the body is a work in progress but I have been spending so much time thinking about changing my life up.  I know its partly because of the crossroads I'm at with my job and I welcome it.  I'm just surprised that this intelligent, confident, and fun person can be affected so much by other people and external things.  For example, my self worth is not defined by my job title.  But at times when my future is uncertain, a single call or line of events where another company is 'interested' in me really surges my self worth.  Why is that? I think that's ridiculous and am ashamed to admit it.  I consciously know it has nothing to do with me so why does it make me feel this way?

Why is it when I go out with my friends to a bar or party - that attention from men makes me feel so darn good?  I'm  not looking for anything but why does that make my feelings about how I look peak?  I'm allowing others to affect how I feel about myself.  I get that its a confidence booster and I'll take it all day long but I just I'm just remarking that it  makes me feel really great and it bothers me a little that it makes me feel so great.  As if I need that to make my confidence really soar.

I've been spending time  learning to exercise and I'm really focused on the foods I'm eating.  My energy is really through the roof which is a huge change for me.  I mean really huge.  My calories are very low right now - I'm eating about 800 cals per day and I feel fantastic!  I have so much energy that I need less sleep (which is TOTALLY not me) and I find myself wanting to go walk just to get some of this energy out.  If I could run full out and totally exhaust myself, I'd do it!

Interestingly enough, my chiropractor (just started seeing one 2-3 weeks ago) said that for a person whose back is out of line - and mine really was - that once it gets back in line - all the energy your body was putting into stressing, straightening, fighting gravity - you now have to use for other things b/c your back is now aligned.  All of this energy did coincide with the chiropractor visit.  My diet change also happened then.  So I'm not sure which is the cause or if its a product of the sum.

I mean I've lost 10 lbs in just over 2 weeks.  I'm starting to plateau.  I got on the scale again this morning and still weigh 193 so no change in 2 days.  I also have done enough research to know that a lot of that is water and lean muscle - and some fat too.  Which is why I've not seen a huge change in my clothes.  I have seen some changes for sure - and its AWESOME!  Today, I got on the scale again today and its not moved.  I will now increase the calories I think and also increase the exercise.  That's the 'shock' to my metabolism to change things up that I'm going to take.

My body isn't toned and I'm definitely noticing that I'm still bigger than I was a this weight than before.  Last time I weighed this, I worked out HARD with a personal trainer 3x per week and was very strong.  That's what I need to do next is tone and lift weights.

I've also got hot yoga that I've signed up for.  I'm yearning for peace and personal growth.  I'm hoping that turning to meditation and yoga and working with weights might help me find more of that in my life.  We all can use a little more peace right?  I just want to create for myself the life I really want.  It includes feeling balanced and doing more active hobbies like running marathons, diving, working out, and whatever other outdoor hobbies I find.

Hmmmm, I'm in a really contemplative mood.  My husband I know feels distance from me and that's b/c I'm spending so much time alone (walking, going out with the girls, etc.)  I'm trying to talk to him about it and he does understand.  I just feel like he's being a little clingy - which drives me insane when all I want is to be alone.  How funny is that?  I guess I just need to have sex with him and he'll let me be for a few days! LOL.  Don't get me wrong, our sex life is fine, but you know how boys are.....