I sure do miss you Dad!

*Edited to add - I got the pic to load!  I took this on a business trip to Las Vegas where I made my Dad go with me- we drove to the Grand Canyon while there.  This was literally a week before the cancer crap started up again.

I cannot seem to get the picture to load of him that I wanted to share with you all.   Dang it.  I took a picture of the picture I have on my wall of him.   And it won't import from my cell phone to my Mac.  No idea why.  Perhaps my Dad is being shy......Ha! Never!  I've had a pretty normal day, and I don't dwell on today's date - b/c the date doesn't matter.  I miss him everyday.

I still cannot believe I haven't talked to my favorite person in the whole world in so long.  Thankfully, it doesn't seem like that long ago, but today at 10:45 a.m. marks the day and time my Dad died from 'non life threatening' skin cancer 15 years ago.  Not melanoma, no he won the odds lottery by dying from squamous cell carcinoma.   You know, the one that's not deadly.  Those little white scaly bumps everyone typically just get cut off their noses, tips of their ears, sometimes from getting a little too much sun when they were kids when no one used sunscreen.  He died at home, we all were around him and with him when he died.  There were no moments of saying goodbye while he was still conscious - my Dad was a proud and stoic man.  Either he didn't want to talk about it directly or we didn't really want to accept all of it was really happening.  He died the way I know he wanted to - at home, with all of us there with him.  I am so very thankful of that.

He wasn't a typical man who wouldn't go to the doctor.  He put up with a lot of bullshit, treatments, IVs, surgeries, radiation, you name it, he did it without complaint even though he was a tough and strong man's man at 6"4".  He didn't want to leave us and did anything that was asked of him no matter how embarrassing, emasculating, or painful.  My Dad was only 55 when he died and he put up with a lot in his last 3 years.  I was 28 when he died.  My youngest sister was only 17.  I feel so bad for her for that and guilty that I got to have him in my life longer than her.  He missed giving her away at her wedding.  He missed all but one grandchild (my older sister's) - there are now 8 in total.  My kids can't ever understand how cool he was, what great stories he told, how kind he was, how hard he worked to support us, how funny he was, and what stupid songs he always made up and sang around the house that made us all laugh at his absurdity and humor.

Thank God my mom is a strong woman.  She met someone else, they are married and she is happy.  He's a nice enough guy, good enough.  That made my life and grief so much better to know I didn't have to carry the burden and guilt of my mom's sadness too.  She's handled it well for the most part.  Better than I could have.  My Mom and Dad were married for 32 years and my Mom's a pistol so that's no small feat! Haha!

What a great Dad I had/still have.  And I sure do miss him.  Today, I'm sad and a bit pissed about it.  I cover up my grief by reminding myself I'm living my life to honor him.  And I am.  But sometimes this really sucks.  Sometimes I think that in order to get so lucky to have such an amazing Dad I had to pay such a high price in grief.  You know, with great highs come great lows.  Newton's 3rd Law of motion: with every action there is an equal opposite reaction.  Whatever,  he was worth it.

The best massage is when you're sore

I've been so sore since the half marathon a week ago.  Today was my chiropractor adjustment and 60 min massage afterwards.  It's absolutely heaven!  I really was never an advocate nor against chiropractors.  I really had no opinion.  Since I've been going over the past year and a half - it has really helped me.  I only have to pay a co-pay - and my insurance covers an adjustment and a 60 minute massage 20x per year.  Its fantastic.  Thank goodness my husband's insurance covers it.  Tonight she really stretched out my hips and lower back.  I feel so much better!!
I've been drinking my green blended drink every morning - which has been a focus of mine - to ensure I'm getting the protein in each day.  It tastes so great really packs in the protein.

Tomorrow its back to running on the treadmill.  The only way I can get the runs in are at home in the mornings.  Back to 530 a.m. wake ups!

I want to lose 10lbs by March 16th.  I'd love to get back down to 185 in time for Mexico.  Lets see what I can pull of in 5 weeks.  Probably not 10lbs, but 5-8 would make me happy too!  I want to enjoy Mexico and not have my shorts too uncomfortably tight.  I'm going to do it - just watch me!

Slacker and I ran a half marathon on Sunday!

I've not posted or even looked at my blog in over 6 months.  I really want to know how everyone out there is doing, so I'm going to start looking at some blogs this weekend while the Northeast braces for all this snow.
Since it's been a while, I'll give you a few updates about me:

• I was at an all time low of 185 and am now at 195.  I stopped running for about 6 months and gained the weight.  (I'm now ready to shed these 10lbs and get back down there and then some!)
• I'm having a harder time eating now than I have in the past.  I find myself eating soup, peanut butter, and bad things which led to my weight creeping up.
• I'm still at the 'new' job - *remember, I'm the one who went through all the personal turmoil over deciding whether to re-locate to Charlotte, NC or stay in VA and take severance from a job I was at for 17 yrs.  I ended up choosing severance, banking the $, and getting a new job within 3 weeks making more $.  I'd planned to only stay at this *new* job for a year, well, its been 1.5 yrs.  Why am I staying?  I'm staying with a strict savings purpose to be able to quit my job and stay home with my kids for the next 10 years or so.  I'll be able to do that by June 2014.  So the plan is to save, save, save!  I can't wait, actually, and am excited about that goal!  
• My marriage is really great.  I went through some personal doubt - likely part of my anxiety over 'losing my job' after so long.  In hind sight, I was questioning everything, including my marriage and my long term happiness.  Maybe that's more to with being in my early 40's?  I don't  know - maybe it was a lot of things.  What matters now is that I truly appreciate what I have, we have a great relationship, and I have a lot of respect for him.  We are more of a couple than co-parents now.  I will be married 19 years this Summer. wow.
• My 11 yr old son was diagnosed with Tourette's syndrome.  It's personally so devastating to have a child who has to deal with such an embarrassing condition.  He's so charming and friendly and very smart - and to see that in jeopardy due to some stupid physical tics is just devastating.  He's just beginning puberty and as a 'gifted' learner his whole life, he is now struggling b/c he's concentrating on not having a 'tic' and being embarrassed vs. paying attention to the teacher.  To think what he may have to deal with ridicule, bullying, shyness with girls, social withdraw at such an important age (first year of middle school and high school next) is heart wrenching.  Because he is such the opposite kind of kid.  Anyway, that's been really tough and sad to try to handle.  I do feel fortunate that he does not have verbal tics - but it could still escalate to that level.  I'm going to cry and be a complete mess if that happens because he tries so hard to control it.
• I'm re-energized to lose 10lbs and get back to running and racing in half marathons.  I just finished up a half marathon - the S*urf C ity M ara thon last Sunday.  I walked a lot of it b/c I didn't want to injure myself and had a lot of fun.  I'm looking forward to my next half in September.  Running is what helped me finally break the 200 barrier and get down to 185.  It's what is going to get me to the next level and get these 10lbs back off and get back to 185!

Well - I need to share some photos.  I just got back from Lagu*na Beach and enjoyed paddle boarding so very much in the Pacific Ocean.  Paddle boarded with dolphins and seals - it was surreal and soul soothing!  I love the west coast!

I hope all of you are doing wonderful.  I'm looking forward to setting goals for myself and achieving them.  Once thing I've learned about myself.  If I just set a path or goal - there is some fun for me in planning how to get there and carrying it out.  And I usually do.  I'm looking forward to new goals and making them happen!!!

60 mins running! woot!

Ran for 60 mins tonight!!!! wooooooot!  I only planned to run for 30, but I felt good so I kept going.  Made it to 45 and thought I could make it to 60.  Then at 50 mins, I hit a wall and had to distract/talk/convince myself I could make it 10 more mins.  And I DID!!!!!

I have about 4.5 weeks left until the half marathon.  I know I won't be able to run the whole way, like last time (what an accomplishment that was) but I'm getting stronger and being able to at least run an hour to an hour and a half of the 3 hours its going to take me to finish will be a GREAT thing!

I'm still tracking what I'm eating on Livestrong - and doing that plus running = weight loss.  Go figure.  Eating 1200 calories and running actually works.  Ha!  I'm down to 195 today - that's 3 lbs down, so I'm very pleased.

I can't seem to update my weight tracker - anyone else have this problem?  I get an error when I link to try to update it.

I also want to share with you all a little about my band and restriction since I think I'm a bit different than most.  I don't have a lot of saline in my band - I can eat anything and I prefer it that way.  I can eat homemade crusty bread, steak, honestly anything.  The band DOES curb my hunger and the constant thinking about food that I used to have.  The band DOES slow me down when I eat.  I have a hard time eating in the morning sometimes and if I eat late, heartburn haunts me at night.  That's not always the case - but its consistently the case dependent on my hormones.  The reason I always went with low restriction is that I felt really scared when I got stuck and didn't like having a hard time eating raw vegetables or really tough veggies (like broccoli, carrots, celery, etc).    It means I've really been a slow, slow loser.  But I like it this way.  

Catecholamines - sprinting a secret to weight loss?

Running is kicking my butt.  My muscles hurt - and my back hurts.  But I know I'm building the foundation to being stronger - so I'm willing to not complain about it much.
I've been reading Runner's World and wanted to share this article.  I think I'm going to add small sprints to the end of my runs to try to get this effect going and especially to get rid of my abdominal, visceral fat!

Sprinting for Weight Loss: Are Catecholamines the Secret?

July 17, 2012 11:59 pm
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Over the past few years, the big buzzword in exercise circles has been "high-intensity interval training" (HIIT, or some variation on that general theme). Study after study has shown that really hammering for short bursts produces the same (and sometimes better) adaptations compared to a typical long, slow "cardio" session. I haven't seen all that much research on HIIT for weight loss, butblogger Rebecca Gardiner pointed me in the direction of an interesting new Australian study (news article here; free full text of the journal article here).

The study itself is encouraging, thought not really earth-shattering. A group of 46 overweight men were assigned either to a control group, or to an exercise program consisting of three 20-minute workouts per week for 12 weeks. The workouts were simple: alternate 8 seconds of sprinting (on an exercise bike) with 12 seconds of easy pedaling, keeping the heart rate in the 80 to 90% of max range. By the end of the program, the participants had dropped 2 kg of fat, and added 0.5 kg of muscle, plus various other positive effects like 17% less visceral fat and improved aerobic fitness. Pretty much what you'd expect, I think.

One thing that caught my attention was the researchers' explanation for why sprinting works better than longer, slower workouts than burn a roughly equivalent number of calories:

Fast sprinting caused the body to release high levels of a specific group of hormones, called catecholamines, which drive the release of fat, especially abdominal and visceral fat, from fat stores so it can be burned by working muscles.

''We don't know why, but moving limbs very fast generates high levels of catecholamine,'' Dr Boutcher, whose findings are published in the Journal of Obesity, said.

That's interesting, and new to me. The journal article cites several earlier papers that have documented this effect, so obviously the idea has been out there for a while. I'll be interested to see what other factors affect catecholamine release, and how big a difference these hormones really make.

As for the workout itself, 20 minutes of alternating 8 seconds hard with 12 seconds easy actually sounds pretty challenging -- that's 60 sprints, albeit short ones! The rationale:

Sprinting for eight seconds raised a person's heart rate while keeping lactic acid release, which make muscles tire quicker, to a minimum, he said.

Hmmm, I thought the "lactic acid makes muscles tired" idea was history by now. Oh well. Still, perhaps the idea of an 8-second sprint is less intimidating for people who haven't done high intensity exercise before, akin to the 30-20-10 workout that Amby Burfoot blogged about recently

Running with a cold = not fun!

Stupid cold!  I've had it since last weekend and all the pseudophed I'm taking is drying me out.  Today was a battle between feeling tired and knowing I had to run today.  I got on the treadmill and ran for 35 mins without walking at 8pm tonight.  GOT TO GET IT DONE.  I've lost 2 lbs, over the last 2 weeks which is great.

Tomorrow is an all day meeting with some visiting clients, my VP flying in to present also, and then I have to have dinner said clients.  These clients are NOT pleasant - they're arrogant jerks, in all honesty.  So tomorrow is going to be a long day and I won't have time to run so I'll have to exchange it for my rest day and get the run done on Friday.

Hope everyone is having a great week!!

New shoes!

I bought a couple pairs of new shoes last week.  I'm short - at 5'4" - so I can use all the height I can get from a pair of shoes.  I don't like to wear high heels - mostly because they're impractical, I tend to always walk fast anywhere I go (esp in the office) and because they're usually not comfortable.  Well, I tried these on and they felt like normal sandals.  So comfortable!  And they were on sale, so I picked them up.  They're brown and the heel is made from a jute like material - so they're casual.  I can't wait to wear them out!  It feels better and better, the more I lose, to wear pretty shoes.  Before heels really hurt my feet.  I'm sure its a combination of losing weight and the fact that platforms are back in style.  Regardless, I'll take any NSV I can get!

On the running front, I missed my long run of 60 mins on Saturday because I was so sore from running last week and all the standing at the concert.  I'm not worried about it, I just remember what my running coach told m which was to NOT make up runs, just pick up where you left off.  I can't tell you what a relief that is - allowing myself to just let it go and pick back up where I left off.  I would usually just beat myself up about missing the run, feel lazy or some other negative emotion.  Keeping it positive really and him 'giving me permission' to just pick up where I left off is so refreshing and new for me.  I'm really focused in the last year on positive emotions, positive self talk and living in the moment.  Really just soaking up the current moment and letting the past and the future go!  Its a constant struggle to really focus on that - but it really works well for me.  I enjoy much more of life this way.

I read something Deepak Chopra said and it struck a chord with me - he said thinking about the past is a waste of energy and time.  We can't change the past.  We spend so much time thinking about something that happened, thinking about someone who did something that upset us, and then we think about the future and what can go wrong, what will go awry and angry about the situation or angry at the person who did something wrong.  But why?  We can't change it.  We also can't affect what that person does in the future.  We also spend and waste soo much of our time living in the future.  We are always thinking about what we need to do next, what we're going to do, where we need to be, how someone else is going to feel about something, who is going to be upset.  Focusing instead on the current moment as it is and enjoying the people around us, the things that we're doing and appreciating the moment we're in is a much more richer experience and more personally satisfying.  It doesn't mean we shouldn't plan the future -we all have hectic schedules.  Its just a reminder to stop fretting and worrying about what's going to happen and instead focus on what you can do today, right now, at this very moment.  Its in those current moments that change happens.  Its in those moments that I get my butt off my bed and make the decision to go run and enjoy the run - and I work to enjoy every minute of it.   I work to focus on not thinking about the past that I can't change, and I don't worry as much or spend all my time thinking through all the possible scenarios of what will happen in the future.  What has already happened, has already happened.  What's going to happen is going to happen - I'll deal with the outcomes then - when they actually happen.  I'm not going to spend minutes and hours thinking about all the possible things that are going to go wrong or how they could go wrong.  I realized I do that A LOT!  So I thought I'd share it with you too.  Stop and just enjoy the seconds that you're in right now!  Its kinda, well, peaceful and it settles me.  I know I can't do it all the time - but I can do it some of the time and thinking and practicing enjoying the single moment I'm in and appreciating the people I'm with has had a positive effect on me.  I hope you take a minute and just exhale and enjoy a few moments today!