SO SORE!!!! Oh my!

Thank you so much you guys for all your supportive comments.  I appreciate it more than you know!

I am so sore today - more sore than I ever remember being in my life.  I did my first boot camp yesterday and it was HARD.  I couldn't complete all the drills in the sand (running, running up sand dunes, bear crawls, etc.) and I had to modify all the core work (scissors, Russian twists, lunges, etc.) to make it doable for me.  I drank lots and lots of water yesterday and took ibuprofen as a precautionary measure.   It hurt so much just for me to have to sit and try to use the restroom this morning.  And trying to climb up into my husband's truck today - yikes!  Stairs?  Forget it - I have to do it one step at a time.

I had NO IDEA it would feel like this.  My legs, my arms, my back, my shoulders, my butt, my neck, my abs, everything is sore!  Really painful but I am also proud of it because I know its only going to make me stronger and I'm doing good, hard work!  :)   I was supposed to go run this morning for the first time with the running club but there was no way I was going to be able to do that.  I'm giving myself some slack and allowing myself to be lazy today.

I'm slipping on eating clean.  I've learned that once I eat one bad thing, I want more bad stuff and find that its easier to give in.    Last night my girlfriends and I celebrated my birthday (which is 6/12) and we had lots and lots of champagne.  No, that's not me in those pics (its was my bday card)  but its pretty close to how we were behaving.  We then decided to go eat breakfast at 1:30 a.m. and what did I order in my drunken state?  Biscuits with sausage gravy and grits.  Seriously?  Total fat and carb screw up and it wasn't even that good.  Well, maybe it was, but sheesh do I want bad food today!  At lunch, I ate 2 bites of my kid's Nathan's hot dog and then stopped.  It was just calling my name - I really wanted that bad food!  So, I'm correcting my behavior and being good outside of all that.

I went and bought some beautiful produce (blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, tomatoes, English cucumbers, fresh green beans) today and look forward to some great fresh fruit and vegetables this week.  I've got a bad night to try to 'un-do' - LOL!

I've also got a HOT YOGA fundamentals beginners class here on Tuesday that I signed up for and am going to try.  I've always wanted to try it and now I'm thinking that it might help all this muscle soreness.  Have any of you done hot yoga?  I'm looking forward to sweating my sore muscles - hopefully it will help.  What do you think?

Great news - very busy day!

Lots happening today!
1.  I signed up for a boot camp on the beach beginning this Friday for 6 weeks (2x per week)
2.  I attending a running club seminar and spent $149 for personal coaching to prepare me for a half marathon in 12 weeks: 9/4 (one of my goals this year is to complete a half marathon).
3.  I can tell I'm coming out of my mixed emotions.  I felt much better overall today and am finding some clarity in my feelings and confusion.  And its good - good as in I feel like I'm part of my own family again - not wanting to be distant from my spouse.
4.  I ran 30 minutes straight today!  That's a first
5.  At about 5:30pm today, the French company made an offer!  Its actually more money (shocker), 3 weeks vacation (instead of the 2 I expected), and I don't start until 7/11 which gives me a full month left for me to be off (bonus!)!

The scale is still reading 189.5 and with exercise, I only netted about 700 calories today.  My knee is bothering me a bit, so I think I'm going to not work out tomorrow and let my knee heal.  I've done a great job with water, calories, exercise.  Hopefully the boot camp and running club is going to kick start the scale.  I know I will have to increase my calorie intake with increased running program, but I still want to try to net no more than 1000 cals after exercise so I'm still losing.

I'm definitely fitting into 14's - so I'm seeing changes in my body even though I don't see it on the scale.  But GOSH, I want that scale to move down INTO the 180's!!!!  C'mon - just 10 more pounds!!!!!!!  Will I be a size 12 in 10 lbs? I can't even imagine!!!!

Don't fall off this wagon! I can feel it coming on!

I didn't get up and work out this morning at the boardwalk.  I ate an ice cream sandwich yesterday which definitely put me into a tailspin of wanting to eat bad foods.  I am amazed at how much eating sweets makes your body crave other bad stuff.  Its SO not worth the hours of trying to resist other bad foods later!
I can feel myself beginning to fall off the wagon....giving up a little.  Its about this time - the 4-5 week mark that I begin to slip.

I don't want to give up and since I recognize this now I have to really push hard and push through this.  I read over on the Queen Bee's blog today that lethargy is a sign of not drinking enough.  So today, that's my goal.  To drink 4-5 water bottles and I'll definitely do it.  Since I missed working out - I'm going to make that happen today somehow too!

********************
Edited to add:  I made it to the beach today and walked 4 miles with a friend (who can't run yet).  It was hot here out at 11am so it would have been total torture to run anyway.  I was sweating enough just walking!  We laid out on the beach for a few hours, then went to a local place and I had a fish taco and an orange crush sitting in their outside bar.  What a wonderful way to end the day!  Pretty good eating day today and I got the exercise in too!  I'm NOT GONNA fall off this wagon!
*********************

Scale still says 189.5 - WOOT! and sleeping problems

I've been up since 3am because I can't sleep.  This has been happening to me for the last 3-4 weeks and I'm not sure why.  I have had a lot going on not just mentally (ending job, interviewing for new job, adjusting to not going to work) and physically (been running consistently for 4 weeks, eating 800-1000 cals per day, and losing 14 lbs in 5 weeks).  So not sure exactly what,  if none or if all of those things combined is causing my sleeping issues.

Regardless, it sucks.  I've had so much on my mind lately that I just can't seem to get all the thoughts out of my head.  Without having constant crisis at work to deal with anymore, I'm finding myself lost at home.  I have these fight or flight feelings going on and I want the 'flee' part.  I know for sure that's why I've been able to run consistently.  I just want to run, run, run and wear myself out so I stop thinking so much.  I've been doing a lot of soul searching and as I said before - re-evaluating my life and where I am.  I think about whether this is where I really am supposed to be - doing the things I'm doing, with the people I'm with.  Again - my over analytical self thinks - that these feelings are just an extension of the 'flight' mode I seem to be in these days.  I'm just not motivated or interested in the things I used to be interested in.  I don't want to stay home, don't want to cook, don't want to garden, don't even want to watch TV.  I want to meet people, train for the half marathon, kayak, go shopping, do yoga, work out, go out with my friends.  I'm not some teenager -what the heck is my problem?  Am I trying to re-capture the youth I never had b/c I had to be so responsible and take care of and support myself?  Probably.  Am I feeling that this is my 'last chance' to be young and strong now that I'm in my 40's?  Probably.  Even though I honestly don't feel it, am I having a mid-life crisis because my birthday is this Sunday? I guess so...... I hate being so freaking stereotypical!

What is going to get me settled and happy again?  I was so comfortable before - but I feel that all those things that made me comfortable also was just a security blanket.  Like food was a security blanket.  My life is safe, my relationships are safe, my hobbies are safe, my friends are safe, my job was safe, my financial future is safe because of my safe job.  Safe, safe, safe.    I swear - my eating is so different now and it doesn't seem hard!  I'm not eating emotionally and the incredible thing is that I don't even want to! I don't want to be safe and eating emotionally I think to accept my unhappiness in all of those safe things I'd created for myself in my life.

Yep, sounds like a mid-life crisis to me! LOL! Now how do I fix this?

SCALE MOVED and THANK YOU for the great advice!

I got up today and the scale said 189.5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That is the FIRST time I've seen the scale read anything in the180's in about 15 years.  Seriously!  I still cannot believe it and fully expect tomorrow for the scale to read in the 190's again.  I'm a teensy bit dehydrated from drinking a little too many Orange Crush's Friday night so that's why I'm thinking that.  BUT how inspiring that feels!  Its been 2.5 weeks of doing all the right things and still weighing 192......its finally changed.

NSV - In preparation for my interview last Friday, I went to Talbot's to find a nice jacket to wear.  I ended up finding a great jacket that not only could I button but looked half decent in!  And it wasn't in the women's section!  I have big boobs so I bought a 16.  Then I saw some beautiful pants - the most gorgeous, soft, buttery linen pants.  I tried on 16's and they were to big!  Please no one tell me that Talbot's runs big - I want to enjoy the fact that I purchased 14's and they fit!  I then found another pair of the most beautiful, well made, soft, summery pants that remind me of being on vacation in St Tropez (not that I've ever been there but a girl can dream...).  Even though I don't have a job, I bought them anyway!

Thank you to everyone who gave me such great advice regarding my boss.  He has already written me one of the best reference letters on Linked In (hey are any of you all out there on Linked In?  We should link up!).  Lyla - I don't have concerns of retaliation, so that is truly a good thing.  Also - like you said - one of my friends said - hey - maybe you can get your retirement paid for! Ha!  Its not that kind of situation, really, but you're right - he's lucky as I could be a real b*&^ and file a lawsuit.    Christine - I think you are spot on about making sure I don't tell many people.  I only told my best friends and I agree that stuff will get around SO FAST!  I'm definitely keeping it to myself!  And Annie, I think you're right, he's probably more embarrassed than I am AND SHOULD BE!  Linda, Read, Jacquie, and Beth Ann - I'm going with what you all said - try to maintain professionalism, chalk it up to his having too much to drink and move on.  We even had plans to run a half marathon together - he's been giving me advice on running - not so sure I'll do that now - but we'll see!  Did you all see what Barbara commented?  I'd never heard it put this way but its so TRUE!  She said "There are more snakes in the garden than butterflies!"  I LOVE that!  I'm stealing your line Barbara!

But thanks you guys for all the great words of advice and your thoughts.  Helps me to know I'm not crazy!  Can I say one thing that I feel guilty admitting and would NEVER tell anyone?  I'm kinda flattered.  I know that's totally gross - but to even be 'considered' attractive feels good.  I'm not used to getting a lot of attention from the opposite sex and while its sick and twisted - I have to admit as I thought about it later I thought that I'm amazed that I would even be thought of in that way.  Does that make sense?  I sure hope it does and I don't sound desperate or immoral.  

I ran again today - 10 min walk, 20 min run, 10 min walk, 10 min run, 4 min walk, 10 min run.  That equals 4 miles on the boardwalk.  My older sister (the runner, athletic, never had weight issues) went with me and it felt good to keep the pace with her.  She runs EVERYDAY and has since we were teenagers.

I want to talk more about how some strange emotions I'm feeling - about feeling a little lost, a little inspired, a little demotivated, and feel the need to distance myself from my husband.  It feels scary and uncomfortable.  While I'm not a particularly emotional person - whatever that means - I've been feeling very inflective, a little mid-life crisis-ish perhaps?  I have these feeling about is this the life I really want that I have right now?  I'm turning 42 next week and is this the life that I dreamed of?  Have I done all the things I wanted to and is now the time for me to make those changes and become the person I always wanted?  As you all lost the weight and it started to show - did you go through this?  Did it affect your personal relationships?  How did you handle it and how did you end up on the other side of it?  Just a lot of thoughts going through my head and my heart that I need to sort out and want to share here.....

Have a great Sunday everyone!!!!

Interview today in NJ and the scale moved!!

I didn't work out this morning because I needed time to prepare more for my interview today in Newark, NJ, the headquarters for the French company I'm visiting today.  I felt pretty calm overall, but got pretty nervous when I got the itinerary for my visit.  I was meeting with 5, yes FIVE, various VPs and Executive or Senior Directors.  OMG.  So this nice black limo picked me up, arrived and proceeded to eat lunch with one of the VPs.  I ate salmon and vegetables and in the middle of it started to PB.  I ate too fast and was nervous which equals I NEED TO PUKE.  My eyes watered and I tried to find a break in the conversation to ask where the nearest restroom was.  She said it wasn't near by and that she'd need to scan me in.  She wasn't even finished with her lunch and I had to spit a few times in my water bottle and hope she didn't notice.  IT WAS AWFUL.  I made it to the restroom and proceeded to THROW UP.  But at least I instantly felt fine and walked out with eyes watering and pretended I just didn't go at the airport.  HOW AWFUL is that????  She sat with me for a while.  I proceeded to meet with person after person but overall it went really well.  I feel positive and believe they'll make me an offer.  So its not all lost!  :):):)

On the scale front, I lost a pound and am back to 192 - thank goodness!!!

Tonight, as soon as I land (I'm typing this in the Newark airport right now) I'm headed to my friends house and we're going out to the beach.  There is a free reggae concert on the beach and we're going to drink orange crushes and sit out in this breezy, humidity free evening!  I can't wait.  This is the friend newly divorced with new awesome boobs.  I'm her wingman tonight and I have so much fun trying to find her a potential date.  Its a fun ice breaker to meet new people! LOL!

So, aside from all this, I have to tell you what happened last week.  My boss visited us last week in our very last week with the company.  We went out on a charter fishing boat (all the management staff) and had a great day on the ocean drinking beer.  It was gorgeous.   Then we went to dinner and more drinking.  At the end of the night, he kept wanting me to go with him to one last bar even though I was trying to leave.  I concede, have a great time, and as we're walking back to our cars he tries to kiss me!  OMG!!!  I, of course, said no and then he proceeded to tell me that he always thought I was "sexy" and why not just go "back to his room."  I could not believe IT!  I guess b/c it was the last time he'd see me, he thought that I'd actually do that??!!  Now, I'm not passing judgement against anyone who may choose to do this - but its not something I wanted to do.  He's not used to being turned down - I could tell - and I've seen it myself at work.  I was just so shocked!  I quickly left and felt so very awkward the next day at work.  I talked to him as normal and pretended it never happened.  I really liked him professionally and he's a good contact network-wise.  Do you think I should cut all ties?  I did nothing wrong - he tried to!  I think I want to just continue as if nothing happened.  What do you think?

Scale won't move and I'm officially home!

Hope everyone had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend!  WE went camping, I drank too much, but I did manage to go for one 4 mile run on Saturday.  Didn't happen Sun, Mon, or Tue but I'm back on track today and did 4 mi this morning down at the beach.

I carefully watched my calories yesterday staying within 800.  The scale this morning said 194.  UGH.  Its not physically possible to NOT lose weight if I'm keeping my cals low AND working out---right?  What gives?

I know my cals were up over 1000 over the past 5 days - so maybe getting my eating back to 800 and walk/running everyday is going to jolt my metabolism?  I know for sure I'm getting enough protein and enough vitamins. I'm going to be very strict with my calories this week and diligent with working out 5x this week.  Its GOT TO work right??!!

On the job front, I'm officially unemployed!  The job staying with the company didn't work out so I'm officially home and taking severance.  Yesterday was my first day home and I must say I was a little out of sorts.  I'm a little lost and without direction.  I need to fill my days and stay busy and that's what's missing.  Tomorrow I'm taking my daughter back to daycare which will totally free up my day.  I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do - I have have lots of cleaning, laundry to do.

On Friday, the French company I'm interviewing with is flying me to NJ for yet more interviews with more executives.  I'll arrive there at noon and fly home at 6pm - so it doesn't sound like its going to be a terribly long day/interview.  I'm not really positive about the job - its completely up in the air and it seems as though this interview might make it or break it.  I also have a lot to think about to consider jumping back into a high pressure high stress career.  The money and the challenge are appealing but the big question is whether I can balance life and not lose myself (sell my soul) to my job again.....

In other news, I have a lot to share - a strange thing happened to me last week.  I'll share later - but its definitely something that's not happened to me before that I'd love your advice on.  Don't mean to be secretive or leading - just don't have a ton of time to post about it now...